my pictures of you

- a little sketch from my journals -

"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you 

That I almost believe that they're real 

I've been living so long with my pictures of you

That I almost believe that the pictures are 
All I can feel

Remembering

You standing quiet in the rain

As I ran to your heart to be near

And we kissed as the sky fell in

Holding you close

How I always held close in your fear

Remembering

You running soft through the night

You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow

And screamed at the make-believe

Screamed at the sky

And you finally found all your courage

To let it all go

Remembering

You fallen into my arms

Crying for the death of your heart

You were stone white

So delicate

Lost in the cold

You were always so lost in the dark

Remembering

You how you used to be

Slow drowned

You were angels

So much more than everything

Hold for the last time then slip away quietly

Open my eyes

But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words

I could have held on to your heart

If only I'd thought of the right words

I wouldn't be breaking apart

All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you

But I never hold on to your heart

Looking so long for the words to be true

But always just breaking apart

My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to feel you deep in my heart

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to never feel the breaking apart

All my pictures of you" - THE CURE

I am finally finding all of my courage to let it all go...

never second best

"moving forward using all my breath -
making love to you was never second best -
I saw the world thrashing all around your face -
never really knowing it was always mesh and lace -
I'll stop the world and melt with you -
you've seen the difference and -
it's getting better all the time -
there's nothing you and I won't do -
I'll stop the world and melt with you -
dream of better lives the kind which never hate -
dropped in the state of imaginary grace -
I made a pilgrimage to save this human race -
never comprehending a race that long gone by -
I'll stop the world and melt with you -
you've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time -
there's nothing you and I won't do -
I'll stop the world and melt with you -
the future's open wide..." - Modern English

howling at the darkness of the new moon

"We have come together to fall apart 

The queen of chaos straddles 

our corpora callosa 

Reins of raw silk weaving our wills 

into the corners of the collective mind

There's more to chaos than meets the mind 

dialoguing with demons, goddesses

and gods

Wings lying unconscious at our sides

rise and shudder

If chaos were only chaos

we wouldn't sit in the darkness

of new moons choking back howls

If chaos were only chaos

this edge would rise up razor sharp

and take off our heads

Off with our heads!

We'd eat our cake and dance on the crumbs

Oh, God!

If chaos were only chaos

she'd take her spiked heel

and pierce our throats

Ripe verbs would do us all night

Words would fly from our lips like birds

in a formation never seen by humans

If chaos were only chaos

the words wouldn't matter

and the poem would always be there

Always be there

Be there

Be there

We have come together here

We have come together

We have come together to fall apart."

- Jewel Mathieson

the warrior in me has awakened

decapitating demons

slashing fears

through tears

crushing judgements

while dancing and dreaming

the warrior in me

the blessed spiritual warrior in me

manifesting peace

see through desires

"You meet another person and there are qualities in that personality which offend you and there are qualities which attract you - some qualities seduce you - some qualities repel you - some qualities sexually excite you - some qualities revolt you - some qualities interest you - some qualities fascinate you - some qualities bore you. It's only when you can see through all that veil...through all your own desires... Beyond Sita walking in the path that you can see beyond all that to where the other being is." - Ram Dass

hold on to our center

"Often we long for another person because, in an invisible, intangible realm, we're still communicating, still connecting, still seeking resolution...

...there was a time when widows wore weeds for a year; grief was understood, acknowledged, validated. It's not neurotic to grieve a relationship; what's neurotic is when we don't. On some level, no matter how disassociated from our feelings we might be, every relationship brings hope - hope that this might be a safe place, a haven, a rest after all our battles.

When a relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, our disappointment is natural. Every intense encounter represents a deep and complicated KARMIC connection. An ending of a relationship is much like a death, and in many cases the sadness is even greater. When someone has died, there has often been completion and understanding that doesn't occur when both people are alive but have separated without higher awareness. Perhaps the one we love is simply on the other side of town now, sleeping with someone else, yet they are really universes away since the resolution we so crave has not occurred. There's no need to pretend this isn't a knife to the heart. It is, and there's nothing to do but cry the tears that gush forth like blood from a wound...

...It takes great courage and personal strength to hold on to our center during times of great hurt. It takes wisdom to understand that our reactiveness only fans the flames of FALSE DRAMA. Love creates a mystical shield around us, protecting us from chaos...TRUTH can never be destroyed."

- Marianne Williamson

pero no cambia mi amor

one of my tshirts, some of my turquoise

Life is change...change is life. 

Change is part of our transformation.

Cambia lo superficial
Cambia también lo profundo
Cambia el modo de pensar
Cambia todo en este mundo

Cambia el clima con los años
Cambia el pastor su rebaño
Y así como todo cambia
Que yo cambie no es extraño

Cambia el más fino brillante
De mano en mano su brillo
Cambia el nido el pajarillo
Cambia el sentir un amante

Cambia el rumbo el caminante
Aunque esto le cause daño
Y así como todo cambia
Que yo cambie no es extraño

Cambia, todo cambia
Cambia, todo cambia

Cambia el sol en su carrera
Cuando la noche subsiste
Cambia la planta y se viste
De verde en la primavera

Cambia el pelaje la fiera
Cambia el cabello el anciano
Y así como todo cambia
Que yo cambie no es extraño

Pero no cambia mi amor
Por mas lejos que me encuentre
Ni el recuerdo ni el dolor
De mi tierra y de mi gente

Y lo que cambió ayer
Tendrá que cambiar mañana
Así como cambio yo
En esta tierra lejana.

- Julio Numhauser

we waste lifetimes in the waiting

"We stand shivering at the door, terrified and panicked that we have lost the key. We waste lifetimes in the waiting because in the haze, the painted fog of our fear, we forget to check the handle and discover it has never been locked at all." 

- Tyler Knott Gregson

revolución evolución

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

- George Orwell

telling the truth is a revolutionary act...

telling the truth...

mixed media on paper

circle of women

all ages from 5 months to 85 years.

mujeres.

spiritual warriors.

daughters.

mothers.

sisters.

women of wisdom.

"The circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we're weak and sing with us when we're strong." - SARK

snapshot: Star's beautiful handmade paper flowers and pink diamonds 

you numb me

"...I don't know how to tell you what I feel.

I live in perpetual expectancy. 

You come and the time slips away in a dream. 

It is only when you go that I realize completely your presence. 

And then it is too late. 

You numb me...I don't know what to expect of you, but it is something in the way of a miracle. 

I am going to demand everything of you - even the impossible, because you encourage it. 

You are really strong. 

I even like your deceit, your treachery. 

It seems aristocratic to me." 

- Henry Miller 

snapshot: feather, stones and crystals on my meditation altar

autumn equinox

the drumming begins.

we dance under the bright moonlight.

we dance in prayer, in gratitude, in celebration.

a new year, a new cycle begins with longer nights to nurture the seeds of the soul planted in fertile imagination and held in perfect balance and harmony.

let us harvest ALL the gifts the universe bestows upon us.

from my prayer journal

dreaming with ancient oceans

"The graceful movements come from a pearl somewhere on the ocean floor. Poems reach up like spindrift and the edge of driftwood along the beach, wanting! They derive from a slow and powerful root that we can't see. Stop the words now. Open the window in the center of your chest, and let the spirits fly in and out." - RUMI

snapshot: detail from a work in progress, mixed media on canvas

earth goddess

"As I go into her, she pierces my heart. 

As I penetrate further, she unveils me. 

When I have reached her center, I am weeping openly.

I have known her all my life, yet she reveals stories to me, and these stories are revelations and I am transformed. Each time I go to her I am born like this. Her renewal washes over me endlessly, her wounds carress me; I become aware of all that has come between us, of the noise between us, the blindness, of something sleeping between us. Now my body reaches out to her. They speak effortlessly, and I learn at no instant does she fail me in her presence. She is as delicate as I am; I know her sentience; I feel her pain and my own pain comes into me, and my own pain grows large and I grasp this pain with my hands, and I open my mouth to this pain, I taste, I know, and I know why she goes on, under great weight, with this great thirst, in drought, in starvation, with intelligence in every act does she survive disaster. This earth is my sister; I love her daily grace, her silent daring, and how loved I am how we admire this strength in each other, all that we have lost, all that we have suffered, all that we know: we are stunned by this beauty, and I do not forget: what she is to me, what I am to her." - Susan Griffin

SNAPSHOT:

detail from one of my pieces: endless freshwater pearls suspended from bronze sculpture and vintage silks...

the earth goddess is my muse...

I remember and celebrate HERstory...

gentle sting between us

"I'm a fool for that shake in your thighs.

I'm a fool for that sound in your sighs.

I'm a fool for your belly.

I'm a fool for your love.

I want to make this plain.

Oh, I know your faded, but stay, don't close your eyes...

Caught in this pool held in your eyes.

Caught like a fool without a line.

We're in a natural spring,

With this gentle sting between us.

Stay, stay open..."

- RHYE

a favorite song I had not listened to in a long time

una noche con Federico García Lorca

el me llamó y me contó lo siguiente:

"So I took her to the river.

I thought she wasn't married,

but she had a husband.

It was St. James' eve,

and almost as if agreed.

The streetlights went out,

the crickets went on.

At the far edge of town

I touched her sleeping breasts.

They opened to me suddenly

like fronds of hyacinth.

The starch of her petticoat

made a sound in my ears 

like a piece of silk

being ripped by ten knives.

Silver light gone from their leaves,

the trees have grown bigger,

and a horizon of dogs

barks far from the river.

Out beyond the rambles,

the hawthorns and reeds,

beneath her mane of hair

I made a hollow in the sedge.

I took off my necktie.

She took off her dress.

I, my belt and pistol.

She, four bodices.

No silken shell or spikenard

is finer than her skin,

nor did moons or mirrors

ever glow like this.

Her thighs eluded me

like startled fish,

one half filled with fire,

the other half with cold.

That night the road I ran

was the finest of them all,

without a bridle or stirrup

on a filly made of pearl.

As a man, I won't repeat

the things she said to me.

The light of understanding 

has made me more discreet.

I took her from the river

spiked with kisses and sand.

The sabers of the irises

were stabbing at the breeze.

I behaved as what I am.

A true-born gypsy.

I gave her a sewing basket 

made of straw-gold satin,

and refused to fall in love

because she had a husband,

though she said she wasn't married

when I took her to the river."

- Federico Garcia Lorca

discipline

My Dear, I ask you:

"Do you have the discipline to be a free spirit?" - G. Roth

still in love with you on this harvest moon

"Come a little bit closer 

Hear what I have to say 
Just like children sleeping
We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon rising 

Let's go dancing' in the light
We know where the music's playing
Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's getting late

And the moon is climbing high
I want to celebrate
See it shining in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon."

- Neil Young

this song found me through a dear friend

detail from mixed media on canvas 

all knowledge is within you

"In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions:

When did you stop dancing? 

When did you stop singing? 

When did you stop being enchanted by stories? 

When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?"

- Gabrielle Roth

2013 mixed media on paper, All Knowledge Is Within You

liberated from fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

This quote sits on my altar and is also tucked within the pages of my journals...

words of wisdom

"All eyeZ on me...

I bet you got it twisted you don't know who to trust...

Y'all got me under surveillance huh?

All eyeZ on me.

But I'm knowing..."

- TUPAC

snapshot of my son at the Grammy Museum

un amor que se lleve las mentiras

"Mereces un amor que te quiera despeinada, con todo y las razones que te levantan de prisa, con todo y los demonios que no te dejan dormir. 

Mereces un amor que te haga sentir segura, que pueda comerse al mundo si camina de tu mano, que sienta que tus abrazos van perfectos con su piel. 

Mereces un amor que quiera bailar contigo, que visite el paraíso cada vez que mira tus ojos, y que no se aburra nunca de leer tus expresiones. 

Mereces un amor que te escuche cuando cantas, que te apoye en tus ridículos, que respete que eres libre, que te acompañe en tu vuelo, que no le asuste caer. 

Mereces un amor que se lleve las mentiras, que te traiga la ilusión, el café y la poesía."

- Frida Kahlo

a corner of my world

nieta de Guillermo Sevilla-Sacasa

mi bello abuelo de colonias y cuentos 

el que me enseño a dibujar 

a jugar con palabras 

a platicar con seguridad

a ser una verdadera pavo-real-la de plumas blancas y plateadas como las de las hadas

siempre impecable y notable

un genio genial y jovial de medallas y honores

el de mis amores

siento su mirada noche y día

escucho sus consejos

segura que nos encontramos en mis sueños

excerpt from my journals 

1961 Liberty - In God We Trust

A penny for my thoughts? Only a penny? Really? 

This thin flat cent is from the year 1961. 

What adventures has this weathered 55-year-old been on? 

How many hands and pockets have held it? 

Who has saved it and who has wished it away? 

Somebody dropped it or tossed it aside. 

Was the copper coin lost, forgotten, abandoned, overlooked and ignored before I noticed it and picked it up from the ground?

excerpts from my journals 

interdependence

"The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”

- Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

healing family secrets

"Buried in the recesses of your family's history you may find secrets. Due to cultural and societal prohibitions, these facts about the family typically remain repressed, as are the strong feelings associated with these secrets. There's considerable shame that prevents these secrets from being acknowledged and dealt with, so they become toxic to other family members.

...these repressed feelings and behaviors get projected onto others in the family, who then act out these toxic feelings without being aware of their original source...

Sometimes the secrets are so huge that discovering the truth behind them changes someone's life around 180 degrees. 

...When these secrets remain buried, they end up being projected onto other people or passed along through the generations...The poisonous influence of family secrets can remain in the lineage for several generations, often enacted by one or more family members until there is active healing.

There are a number of resources for healing this ancestral karma, and it's often though the healing journey that someone finds out about these secrets. Once the secrets are brought out into the open, there's opportunity to release their hold on the family members, and subsequent generations will no longer have to carry them...

...Being secrets, they are often submerged under layers of guilt and shame yet are often acted out or projected onto others...

...The secrets, as well as the act of keeping secrets, continue to be forwarded until someone in the lineage is willing to tackle these issues and seek healing for the damage done."

- Dr. Steven D. Farmer

detail from a recent mixed media on paper 

forced and phony

"What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for a rose to say, 'I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?'

...the first quality of love: its indiscriminate character...Contemplate in astonishment the sheer goodness of the rose...for there you have an image of what love is all about.

How does one attain this quality of love? Anything you do will only make it forced, cultivated and therefore phony. There is nothing you can do. But there is something you can drop. Observe the marvelous change that comes over you the moment you stop seeing people as good or bad...To see this is to acquire the indiscriminate quality one so admires in a rose...And here is a second quality of love - it's gratuitousness...it gives and asks for nothing in return...

The third quality of love is its unself-consciousness. Love so enjoys the loving that it is blissfully unaware of itself...The way a rose gives out its fragrance simply because there is nothing else it can do, whether there is someone to enjoy its fragrance or not...Love simply is, it has no object...

The final quality of love is its freedom. The moment coercion or control or conflict enters, love dies...Think for a while of an the coersion and control that you submit to on the part of others when you so anxiously live up to their expectations in order to buy their love and approval or because you fear you will  lose them. Each time you submit to this control and this coersion you destroy the capacity to love which is your very nature, for you cannot but do to others what you allow others to do to you. Contemplate, then, all the control and coersion in your life and hopefully this contemplation alone will cause them to drop. The moment they drop, freedom will arise. And freedom is just another word for love." - Anthony De Mello

- from my morning meditations

beginning of a certain end

"Your skin like dawn -

Mine like dusk.

One paints the beginning -

of a certain end.

The other, the end of a

sure beginning."

- Maya Angelou

mixed media

santos que bailan

"There is no spot on earth that ever became sacred until something danced there; maybe it was just an atom or two.

Strange now the seriousness I see around the shrines of perfect saints whose feet were once wept ecstatic tears as they moved upon the sun they saw beneath our every step.

There is no place in existence that ever became sacred until something sang there, even be it just a molecule. That is enough. I hear they croon all the time."

- my beloved HAFIZ

detail from a 2013 watercolor on paper in a private collection