absolutely clear

"Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender, my need of God absolutely clear."

- my beloved HAFIZ

snapshots of sky messages...

día de la madre Nicaragüense

- 2007 mixed media portrait -

This is a story about a little star who dreams of becoming a mother:

Un día, una estrellita muy bonita fue hablar con el Padre Sol, pidiéndole un gran favor.

- Padre, yo sueño con ser Madre. Quisiera vivir en la tierra para sentir y amar hasta llorar.

--- Estrellita, hija mía, tu lugar es en el cielo, de donde puedes alumbrar y atravez de esa luz, amar.

- O, Padre Sol, te pido que me dejes caminar el mundo. Prometo llevar conmigo el manto de nuestra Madre María, ya que es por Ella que sueño con ser Madre un día.


excerpt from "Estrella Maruca" © 2005 written for Grand Mother, in her honor...I look forward to publishing the story in PRINT one of these days...

my life of luxury

Some are of the opinion that I live a life of luxury because I am a full-time mother and an artist...

It is true, I do not have a 9 to 5 job Monday through Friday in an office setting with a boss and coworkers.

My "job" is 24 hours a day, every single day of the year: no paid vacations, no holidays, no sick days, no end-of-year bonuses.

I do not have a cleaning service, a nanny or even a regular babysitter.

I practice my daily yoga and meditation from home and not a gym, spa or retreat center.

I do not dine out in fancy, overpriced restaurants or take spontaneous trips around the globe.

I have the privilege of home schooling my young son.

Some are of the opinion that I do not work because I am a full-time mother and an artist...

excerpt from my journals

"Real luxury is having the time to read endless stories in bed with my children. And I get that all the time. I'm so blessed."

- Kate Winslet

my soul and the gray sea

after my early morning yoga, meditation and prayer and in between nursing my newborn daughter, I was guided to sink my soul into Mary Oliver's poetry...

"1.

Understand, I am always trying to figure out

what the soul is,

and where hidden,

and what shape

and so, last week,

when I found on the beach

the ear bone

of a pilot whale that may have died

hundreds of years ago, I thought

maybe I was close

to discovering something

for the ear bone

2.

is the portion that lasts longest

in any of us, man or whale; shaped

like a squat spoon

with a pink scoop where

once, in the lively swimmer's head,

it joined its two sisters

in the house of hearing,

it was only

two inches long

and thought: the soul

might be like this

so hard, so necessary

3.

yet almost nothing.

Beside me

the gray sea

was opening and shutting its wave-doors,

unfolding over and over

its time-ridiculing roar;

I looked but I couldn't see anything

through its dark-knit glare;

yet don't we all know, the golden sand

is there at the bottom,

though our eyes have never seen it,

nor can our hands ever catch it

4.

lest we would sift it down

into fractions, and facts

certainties

and what the soul is, also

I believe I will never quite know.

Though I play at the edges of knowing,

truly I know

our part is not knowing,

but looking, and touching, and loving,

which is the way I walked on,

softly,

through the pale-pink morning light."

- Mary Oliver

snapshot - I cropped, edited and played with the original photo of me taken by Catalina Checa

mi guerrera real

Salvadora Debayle Sacasa de Somoza
mi bisabuela, mi guerrera real, mi YOYITA...

she visits my dreams with messages, symbols and strength...

remembering my beloved great-grandmother on her birthday 

2013 mixed media on paper in a private collection - vintage lace, silk, gold and bronze 

ver la luz del otro lado de la luna

"Contigo aprendí
Que existen nuevas y mejores emociones

Contigo aprendí
A conocer un mundo lleno de ilusiones

Aprendí que la semana tiene
Más de siete días

Hacer mayores mis contadas alegrías
Y a ser dichoso yo contigo lo aprendí

Contigo aprendí
A ver la luz del otro lado de la luna

Contigo aprendí
Que tú presencia no la cambio por ninguna

Aprendí que puede un beso
Ser más dulce y más profundo

Que puedo irme mañana mismo de este mundo -
Las cosas buenas ya contigo las viví

Y contigo aprendí
Que yo nací el día en que te conocí..."

- Armando Manzanero

ropes of pearls suspended from signed bronze sculpture 

four weeks ago

I breathed her down, pushed her out in under 30 minutes...

Four weeks ago today I birthed my daughter...

I am still in a state of blissful disbelief...

A daughter.

A baby girl.

Perfectly healthy (and pretty darn cute).

I am grateful to be able to solely breastfeed my child without complications. 

The voice of vanity within me is grateful to be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans (since two weeks ago).

A part of me fears being so blessed...

I am grateful that my gratitude is greater than my fears...

snapshot of my daughter today, four weeks old 

in wild abandon

We are going to dance

So come now

you delectable Graces

you Muses with the glorious tresses

- SAPPHO (approximately 612 B.C. – 570 B.C.)

I dreamt with a golden child – perhaps a future muse of mine.

I imagine all of my muses dancing in circle - in wild abandon...

...celebrating womanhood...

originally posted in 2008

goddess in Cuba

detail from mixed media, circa 2006-2007




The bare-breasted goddess walked through Cuban villages looking for antique silks...

from last night's dreams

open - frozen - curious

"...you never were the one...

and then I lay here open,

on the floor,

on the ground,

on the stairs,

on the way,

...and it's dangerous to go and listen to what they say...

the way you hold yourself straight,

you were never innocent,

and I just lay here frozen,

curious..."

- Zola Jesus

it is certainly dangerous to listen to what they say...

he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” 

“Le parecía tan bella, tan seductora, tan distinta de la gente común, que no entendía por qué nadie se trastornaba como él con las castañuelas de sus tacones en los adoquines de la calle, ni se le desordenaba el corazón con el aire de los suspiros de sus volantes, ni se volvía loco de amor todo el mundo con los vientos de su trenza, el vuelo de sus manos, el oro de su risa. No había perdido un gesto suyo, ni un indicio de su carácter, pero no se atrevía a acercársele por el temor de malograr el encanto."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1927-2014)

porque te miro y muero

"Porque te tengo y no -

porque te pienso -

porque la noche está de ojos abiertos -

porque la noche pasa y digo amor -

porque has venido a recoger tu imagen -

y eres mejor que todas tus imágenes -

porque eres linda desde el pie hasta el alma -

porque eres buena desde el alma a mi -

porque te escondes dulce en el orgullo -

pequeña y dulce -

corazón coraza -

porque eres mía -

porque no eres mía -

porque te miro y muero -

y peor que muero -

si no te miro amor -

si no te miro - 

porque tu siempre existes dondequiera -

pero existes mejor donde te quiero -

porque tu boca es sangre -

y tienes frío -

tengo que amarte amor -

tengo que amarte -

aunque esta herida duela como dos -

y aunque -

la noche pase y yo te tenga -

y no."

- Mario Benedetti 

sin saber cómo ni cuándo ni de dónde - te amo directamente

"No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:

te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores, y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:

así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño."

- Pablo Neruda

***

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; 

so I love you because I know no other way than this:  

where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

- Pablo Neruda translated by Stephen Tapscott

snapshot - bronze sculpture suspended by endless unconventional pearls and vintage silks 

beautiful laughter

- 2013 mixed media on canvas from a series exploring painting as poetry and meditation -

"Keep squeezing drops of the Sun

from your prayers and work and music

and from your companion's beautiful laughter.

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun -

from the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved

and, my dear,

from the most insignificant movements

of your own holy body."

- HAFIZ

la arrogancia del sol

"Tiene la expresión de una flor,
la voz de un pájaro,
y el alma como luna llena,
de un mes de abril...

Tiene en sus palabras calor,
y frío de invierno,
su piel es dura como el árbol,
que azota el viento...

Y tiene el corazón de poeta,
de niño grande y de hombre niño,
capaz de amar con delirio,
capaz de hundirse en la tristeza...

El tiene, el corazón de poeta,
de vagabundo y de mendigo,
y así lo he conocido,
y así me gusta a mi que sea,
que tenga el corazón de poeta...

Tiene la arrogancia del sol,
mirada cándida,
su piel de nieve se hace fuego cerca de mi...

Es amigo y amante fiel,
ve las estrellas,
camina junto a mi soñando,
con cosas bellas...

Y tiene el corazón de poeta,
de niño grande y de hombre niño,
capaz de amar con delirio,
capaz de hundirse en la tristeza...

El tiene, el corazón de poeta,
de vagabundo y de mendigo,
y así lo he conocido
y así me gusta a mi que sea,
que tenga el corazón de poeta..." - JEANETTE

almost

“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. 

I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it..."

- Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)

shall we dance my dear?

- self-portrait -

"Dancers are the messengers of the gods." - Martha Graham

the love of thousands

"Walking, I am listening to a deeper way. Suddenly, all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands." - Linda Hogan

be still...

watch...

listen...

words of wisdom...

Thinking of my beloved maternal grandmother, Lillian...my Mimi who is urging me to continue telling my story, to continue writing HERstory, especially now that I have a daughter...

mixed media on paper 

then you come near

"You've so distracted me,

your absence fans my love.
Don't ask how.

Then you come near.
"Do not...," I say, and
"Do not...," you answer.

Don't ask why
this delights me."
- RUMI

quenching your thirst for freedom

"I know the way you can get when you have not had a drink of Love;  your face hardens, your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned about a strange look that appears in your eyes which even begins to worry your own mirror and nose.

Cats sense your sadness and call in an important conference in a tall tree.  They decide which secret code to chant to help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness that arrays itself against the world and throws sharp stones and spears into the innocent and into one's self.

Oh I know that way you can get if you have not been drinking Love: 

 - You might rip apart every sentence your friends and teachers say, looking for hidden clauses. 

 - You might weigh every word on a scale like a dead fish. 

 - You might pull out a ruler to measure from every angle in your darkness the beautiful dimensions of a heart you once trusted.

I know the way you can get if you have not had a drink from Love's hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of the vital need to keep remembering God, so you will come to know and see Him as being so giving and wanting, just wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says,

"Bring your cup near me, for a I am a Sweet Old Vagabond with an infinite leaking barrel of Light and Laughter and Truth that the Beloved has tied to my back.  Dear One, indeed, please bring your heart near me.  For all I care about is quenching your thirst for freedom!  All a sane man can ever care about is giving LOVE!"

- my beloved HAFIZ

mixed media on paper

new life unfolding

"...As daughters, we are brought up to believe we can achieve anything if we work for it, and this assumption, for many, leads to long, high-powered careers in which people do what we suggest...Then comes motherhood. Suddenly, we're not in charge. A tiny thing that can't walk or talk decides when (or if) we get dressed, when we eat or chat, whether we go out (probably not), and where (somewhere with child-friendly feeding rooms). Above all, it stops us sleeping. Resistance isn't the answer. By the birth of my third child, I finally got it: I should imagine I was a reckless student again for a few months, and everything would be fine - no set bedtime, no responsibilities, no deadlines that couldn't be extended, and no career plan. Long lie-ins and little afternoon snoozes; reading novels and watching daytime TV. Dashing from recently discovered coffee shop or gallery to tea at a new friend's apartment. I felt lost and out of my depth, but exhilarated by the sense of a new life unfolding, every relationship being reevaluated, and endless possibilities opening up..."

- Susannah Marriott © 2004 


letting go of control

going with the flow

perfect imperfection

reevaluating relationships...for I am no longer the same person

I am a mother of two now...


snapshot of my newborn daughter, two weeks old today 

excitement - only a pseudo experience of joy

still digesting these ideas...

"Excitement seems to be equivalent to ecstasy; it is not. Excitement is a state of tension, it feels good because the old is disappearing and the new is coming in. A new breeze, a new experience - it is good to welcome it with an excited heart...

Excitement is only a welcome, but the welcome is not the whole story. The coolness has to come, and coolness is far deeper, far more valuable than any excitement can be. So jumping up and down has to stop. Sit silently, be calm and cool. Ecstasy is coolness, it is not excitement. 

If you accept coolness, then only will the deeper experience of coolness give you the experience of ecstasy. It will be full of life, but not childish. It will be full of joy, but with deep contentment. The joy will not be against sadness, the joy will be beyond sadness.

...Try to understand it very clearly: excitement is just an escape from misery. It gives only a pseudo experience of joy. Because you are no more miserable you think you are joyous - not to be miserable is equivalent to being joyous. Joy is a positive phenomenon. Not to be miserable is just a forgetfulness. The misery is waiting back home for you: whenever you come back it will be there. 

When excitement disappears, one starts thinking 'Now what is the point of this love?' In the West love dies with excitement, and that is a calamity. In fact love had never been born. It was just love of excitement, it was not real love. It was just an effort to move away from oneself. It was a search for sensation. You rightly use the word 'fun' - it was fun but it was not intimacy. When excitement disappears and you start feeling loving, love can grow; now the feverish days are over. This is the true beginning." - OSHO

Is it possible that we become attached - even addicted - to excitement? 

happy as a queen

"The very thought of you
I forget to do
Those little ordinary things
That everyone ought to do
I'm livin' in a kind of a daydream
I'm happy as a queen
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything
The mere idea of you
The longing here for you
You'll never know
How slow the moments go
Till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you,
The very thought of you, my love..."

- as sung by Billie Holiday

mother's day

"My mother is a poem
I'll never be able to write,
though everything I write
is a poem to my mother."
- Sharon Doubiago

my mother and I on the beach, circa 1973

my world of lovers

"...my friends have become strangers and I'm surrounded by enemies, but I'm free as the wind, no longer hurt by those who reproach me.

I'm at home wherever I am, and in the room of lovers I can see with closed eyes the beauty that dances behind the veils, intoxicated with love I too dance the rhythm of this moving world.

I have lost my senses

in my world of lovers."

- RUMI

don't let on that you knew me

"...She takes just like a woman, yes she does...

She makes love just like a woman, yes she does...

And she aches just like a woman...

But she breaks just like a little girl...

When we meet again,

introduced as friends,

please don't let on that you knew me when, I was hungry and it was your world...

Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes you do...

You make love just like a woman, yes you do...

Then you ache just like a woman...

But you break just like a little girl..."

- Bob Dylan

 

secret cinco de mayo

"What secret are you looking for?

Life will soon reveal it to you."

- Frida Kahlo

wild nights

My daughter is a week old. 

A neighbor today asked me:

"How are your nights? Wild?!"

I paused and smiled. Wild nights. What a lovely and refreshing way of surrendering to the dance of motherhood - the wild and sacred dance of life itself. 

I am cherishing every moment of these wild nights...grateful beyond words...

remembering Mimi

she taught me to stand tall and respect myself...

she taught me to trust my gut...

she taught me to clean, cook, sew and iron, but not because of my gender (she taught her sons and grandsons similar chores)...

she taught me to be loyal and truthful, especially with myself...

she taught me that motherhood is a privilege, a lifelong commitment and a selfless sacrifice...

she taught me how to hula dance, gracefully moving to the rhythms of nature while telling my story...

she taught me to always help another in need, especially another woman...

- excerpts from my journals

Happy Birthday Beloved Mimi...truly a Grand Mother...

secret knowledge

"In the ancient way of being, the earth not only creates, feels, and protects life, but like a mother, whispers through natural signs and images the secret knowledge of how body, mind, emotions and spirit work upon each other in an intricate, invisible weaving."

- Johanna Lambert

mixed media