consecutive dreams

soñé contigo...

me contabas tus historias,

me decías que querías dejar todo,

viajar lejos,

olvidar todo,

dejar tu cabello crecer y pintar a colores,

soñé contigo...

será otra vida?

la vida de los sueños

será un sueño esta vida?

••••••••

consecutive nights I dream of dreams...

I dream with you...

what messages are you sending me?

excerpt from my dream journal

to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only

"I would like to watch you sleeping, 

which may not happen.

I would like to watch you, 

sleeping. I would like to sleep 

with you, to enter 

your sleep as its smooth dark wave 

slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent 

wavering forest of bluegreen leaves 

with its watery sun and three moons 

towards the cave where you must descend, 

towards your worst fear.

I would like to give you the silver 

branch, the small white flower, the one 

word that will protect you 

from the grief at the center 

of your dream, from the grief 

at the center. I would like to follow 

you up the long stairway 

again and become

the boat that would row you back

carefully, a flame

in two cupped hands 

to where your body lies 

beside me, and you enter 

it as easily as breathing in.

I would like to be the air

that inhabits you for a moment

only. I would like to be that unnoticed

and that necessary."

- Margaret Atwood

unnoticed and necessary...

air...breath...yes...to enter your dreams

es una mosquita muerta

"They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly."

- Psycho, 1960 Hitchcock film

I killed a fly and thought of the saying:

Es una mosquita muerta.

"Mosquita Muerta: is a person who pretends to be innocent, dainty, and weak (hence a dead fly), but they are actually evil backstabbers. Essentially a Spanish version of a - snake in the grass. They are extremely manipulative and will have everyone fooled by their game except for the smart ones. They will usually try to make the ones who don't fall for their game look like bad people while they play the victim." 

- Urban Dictionary 

prepared to bleed

Just before our love got lost you said -

"I am as constant as a northern star" and I said, 

"Constantly in the darkness -
Where's that at?...

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine -
You taste so bitter -
And so sweet oh -
I could drink a case of you,

darling and I would -
Still be on my feet -
Oh I would still be on my feet -

Oh I am a lonely painter -
I live in a box of paints -
I'm frightened by the devil -
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid -

I remember that time that you told me, you said -
"Love is touching souls" -
Surely you touched mine 'cause -
Part of you pours out of me -
In these lines from time to time -

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine -
You taste so bitter -
And so sweet oh -
I could drink a case of you darling -
Still I'd be on my feet -
I would still be on my feet -

I met a woman -
She had a mouth like yours, she knew your life -
She knew your devils and your deeds,

and she said -
"Go to him -
stay with him if you can -
But be prepared to bleed..."

- Joni Mitchell (circa 1971)

hold on to our center

"Often we long for another person because, in an invisible, intangible realm, we're still communicating, still connecting, still seeking resolution...

...there was a time when widows wore weeds for a year; grief was understood, acknowledged, validated. It's not neurotic to grieve a relationship; what's neurotic is when we don't. On some level, no matter how disassociated from our feelings we might be, every relationship brings hope - hope that this might be a safe place, a haven, a rest after all our battles.

When a relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, our disappointment is natural. Every intense encounter represents a deep and complicated KARMIC connection. An ending of a relationship is much like a death, and in many cases the sadness is even greater. When someone has died, there has often been completion and understanding that doesn't occur when both people are alive but have separated without higher awareness. Perhaps the one we love is simply on the other side of town now, sleeping with someone else, yet they are really universes away since the resolution we so crave has not occurred. There's no need to pretend this isn't a knife to the heart. It is, and there's nothing to do but cry the tears that gush forth like blood from a wound...

...It takes great courage and personal strength to hold on to our center during times of great hurt. It takes wisdom to understand that our reactiveness only fans the flames of FALSE DRAMA. Love creates a mystical shield around us, protecting us from chaos...TRUTH can never be destroyed."

- Marianne Williamson

co-create with the universe

"Aborigines believe that two separate realities exist: that of everyday life, and that of the dreamtime, the timeless realm from which energy beings (the gods) first sung the world into existence. The dreamtime is the domain of song and poetry, of symbols and archetypes; the shamans believe that it's the more important of the two realities, for it births, shapes, and forms the physical world. They'd probably agree with Einstein, who said, 'Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.'

In our own culture, we've come to value our waking reality so much that we've forgotten our power to conceive from the invisible world of the dreamtime and co-create with the universe."

- Alberto Villoldo

from childhood I learned that I could receive messages through dreams...

ideas for my artwork and poetry often originate in vivid, detailed dreams...

soy la reina de tus caprichos

el talismán de tu piel me ha dicho -
que soy la reina de tus caprichos,
yo soy el as de los corazones,
que se pasean en tus tentaciones,
el talismán de tu piel me cuenta
que en tu montura caerán las riendas

cuando una noche de amor desesperados
caigamos juntos y enredados
la alfombra y el alrededor, acabaran
desordenados
cuando una noche de amor que yo no dudo
la eternidad venga seguro
tu y yo, el desnudo y el corazón...seremos uno

yo soy la tierra de tus raíces: el talismán de tu piel lo dice,
yo soy la tierra de tus raíces: lo dice el corazón y el fuego de tu piel,
yo soy la tierra de tus raíces: el talismán de tu piel lo dice,
yo soy la tierra de tus raíces: a ver que dices tu

el talismán de tu piel me chiva
que ando descalza de esquina a esquina,
por cada calle que hay en tus sueños,
que soy el mar de todos tus puertos,
el talismán de tu piel me cuenta
que tu destino caerá a mi puerta 

- song lyrics - © ROSANA ARBELO

prepared to pick up the pieces

- mixed media on paper -

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. A time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." - Octavia Butler

friendship is truly an art...

I am learning to bite my tongue, despite my intuition...

despite my knowing...

silence...

patience...

prayers of protection...

forgiveness...

above all, love and compassion...

I am prepared to pick up the pieces when it's all over...

il pianto di Maria

"Mary has wept! Mary has wept! ...Weeping is fecund. There never has been a sterile tear. As the rain that falls from on high irrigates the countryside and prepares it to receive, in all fertility, the crops and seed and fruit that will in time come to ripeness, so it will happen in the realizing of the spirit." 

- Archbishop of Syracuse

sacred, fertile, healing tears...

snapshot: my meditation altar

again surrender

- mixed media from my journals -

With praying hands I face the sun, feeling love and joy in my heart.

I stretch up my hands and let the sun fill me with warmth.

I bow before the sun's radiance and place my face to the ground with humble respect.

I lift my face to the sun and then remember, to achieve such heights, I must be as the dust of the earth.

I stretch up towards its light trying to reach the greatest heights and again surrender.

I stand tall as I remember the true sun is within me.

-- Ancient Verse, author unknown

eclipse

"The Native American Navajo believe a SOLAR ECLIPSE is a SACRED time. They stay indoors and pray and tell stories about the sun and the moon. I think I will be able to FEEL the eclipse and I will pray and hope people don't get eye damage today."

- my wise 9 year old 

Papa-Coco

nací siendo la primera nieta de

Antioco Sacasa Sarria

mi Papa-Coco de ojos azules

Papa-Coco quien me contaba cuentos

historias reales

leyendas maravillosas

con guitarra y voz dulce

Papa-Coco siento su mirada en cielos celestes

Papa-Coco escucho sus consejos con amor

ya que siempre nos encontramos en mis sueños

Beloved Grand Father,

How I wish you were still walking this planet, holding your great-grandchildren's hands.

Although, I am certain you are already great friends.

Mi Papa-Coco de mis sueños...

tu párvula boca que siendo tan niña me enseñó a pecar.

- she wears feathers she finds -
- she dreams in watercolor blues -
- 2013 mixed media from my journals -

si tienes un hondo penar
piensa en mí,
si tienes ganas de llorar
 piensa en mí,
ya ves que venero
tu imagen divina, 

tu párvula boca,
que siendo tan niña,
me enseñó a pecar.
piensa en mí
cuando beses,
cuando llores,
también piensa en mí.
cuando quieras
quitarme la vida,
no la quiero para nada,
para nada me sirve sin ti.

- Agustin Lara (1900 - 1970)

soul-craving lover

"The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is that you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls. Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in the choice of mates and lovers. A lover cannot be chosen a la smorgasbord. A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouthwatering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-self. And that is what the intuition is for; it is the direct messenger of the soul."

- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

my story - HERstory

"A story is medicine that greases and hoists the pulleys, shows us the way out, down, in and around, cuts for us fine wide doors in previously blank walls, doors which lead us to our own knowing."

- C. Pinkola Estes

tu sabor

“Te confieso que no tengo un instante sin pensar en ti, que cuanto como y bebo tiene tu sabor, que la vida eres tú a toda hora y en todas partes. Que el gozo supremo de mi corazón sería morirme contigo. -¿Y ahora? - Ahora nada - Me basta con lo que sepas."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

wonder

playful mixed media from one of my older journals...

"Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love...

Don't let yourself die without knowing the wonder of  f*cking  with love..."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I am truly grateful for the wonder...intercourse as consolation seems sad, empty, cold, soul-less and unfulfilling...simply not for me...

sacred sweat

- detail from watercolor on paper -

how do you pray?

when do you pray?

do you pray?

Although I have encountered moments of reverence at churches during masses throughout the ceremonies,  my soul's prayers - my connection with the Divine - are more purely and more intensely felt elsewhere.  In nature.  In silence.  In dance.  In painting.  In yoga.  In sculpting.  In lovemaking.  In compassion.  In laughter.  In salty tears. In long embraces.

Today I sweat my prayers...

"To sweat is to pray, to make an offering of your innermost self.  Sweat is holy water, prayer beads, pearls of liquid that release your past.  Sweat is an ancient and universal form of self healing, whether done in the gym, the sauna, or the sweat lodge.  I do it on the dance floor.  The more you dance, the more you sweat.  The more you sweat, the more you pray.  The more you pray, the closer you come to ecstasy." - Gabrielle Roth

gnawing hunger

A corner of my home...a mountain of books, endless pearls, healing crystals, a stone carving found at a flea market decades ago...and the prototype of one of my first books in print...

My home is my studio. 

My home is my temple.

"From as far back as I can remember, I was obsessed by a gnawing hunger for rituals of spirit." 

- Gabrielle Roth

a gnawing hunger...

what do you hunger for?

awareness

"Love springs from awareness.

It is only inasmuch as you see someone as he or she REALLY is here and now and not how they are in your memory or your DESIRE or in your imagination or projection that you can truly love them, otherwise it is not the person that you love but the IDEA that you have formed of this person, or this person as the OBJECT of your DESIRE not as he or she is in themselves.

Therefore the first act of love is to see this person or this object, this reality as it truly is.  And this involves ENORMOUS DISCIPLINE of DROPPING your DESIRES, your PREJUDICES, your MEMORIES, your PROJECTIONS, your selective way of looking, a discipline so great that most people would rather plunge headlong into good actions and service than to SUBMIT to the BURNING FIRE of this ASCETICISM.

When you set out to serve someone whom you have not taken the trouble to see, are you meeting that person's need or your own? So the first ingredient of love is to really see the other.

The second ingredient is equally important to see yourself, to RUTHLESSLY flash the LIGHT of AWARENESS on your motives, your emotions, your needs, your dishonesty, your self-seeking, your TENDENCY to CONTROL and MANIPULATE.  This means calling things by their name, no matter how painful the discovery and the consequences.  If you achieve this kind of awareness of the other and yourself, you will know what love is. For you will have attained a mind and a heart that is alert, vigilant, clear, sensitive, a clarity of perception, a sensitivity that will draw out of you an accurate, appropriate response to every situation at every moment.

Sometimes you will be irresistibly impelled into action, at others you will be held back and restrained. You will sometimes be made to ignore others and sometimes give them the attention they seek. At times you will be gentle and yielding, at others hard, uncompromising, assertive, even violent. For the love that is BORN of SENSITIVITY takes many unexpected forms and it responds not to prefabricated guidelines and principles but to present, concrete reality. When you first experience this kind of sensitivity you are likely to experience TERROR. For all your defenses will be torn down, your dishonesty exposed, the protected wall around you burned.

...If it is love that you truly desire then set out at once on the task of seeing, take it seriously and look at someone you DISLIKE and really see your PREJUDICE. Look at someone you CLING TO or something you cling to and really see the SUFFERING, the FUTILITY, the UNFREEDOM of CLINGING and look long and lovingly at human faces and human behavior..."

- Anthony De Mello

from my early morning meditation

spirit

"Be patient.  Respond to every call that excites your spirit.  Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back toward disease and death." - RUMI

get quiet

- do you trust your gut?  I do... -

"Learning to trust your instincts, using your intuitive sense of what's best for you, is paramount for any lasting success. I've trusted the still, small voice of intuition my entire life. And the only time I've made mistakes is when I didn't listen. 

It's really more of a feeling than a voice—a whispery sensation that pulsates just beneath the surface of your being. All animals have it. We're the only creatures that deny and ignore it. 

How many times have you gone against your gut, only to find yourself at odds with the natural flow of things? We all get caught up in the business of doing, and sometimes lose our place in the flow. But the more we can tune in to our intuition, the better off we are. I believe it's how God speaks to us. 

For all the major moves in my life—to Baltimore, to Chicago, to own my show, and to end it—I've trusted my instincts. I take in all the information I can gather. I listen to proposals, ideas, and advice. Then I go with my gut, what my heart feels most strongly. 

And I often tell friends: When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice—your inner GPS guiding you to true North. " - OPRAH

the powers that speak through dreams

"She shows up just when you need her. She always gives you the support and counsel you need, and never judges you.

She is an amazing psychic advisor: she knows what the future holds for you, and she can tell you what to do and what not to do to avoid something bad or find the right job, or the right home, or the right partner.

She is a...healer who can help you to fix your body before you get sick, and who has the right medicine and nurturing to speed you into healing and recovery...She makes house calls at any time, and she never charges you a cent.

She's fabulous fun and a great traveling companion. She makes you want to get up and dance, and sing, and play. She loves to fly off to exotic places...

She has wonderful energy. An hour in her company gives you a boost for a whole week.

She'll mother you when you, and your beautiful inner child self, need mothering, hold you when you need holding, and give you a shove when you need to jump through a hole in the world.

She knows you better than you know yourself, in your everyday mind. When she holds up a mirror in front of you, you don't notice the blemishes. You see a being of radiant power and possibility, your ancient and shining self. And in that moment of recognition, you begin to remember and live from your soul's purpose, the sacred contract you signed before you came into your present body.

...and you never say thank you, or remember her birthday. You ignore her advice more often than not...You forget the songs you sang together, and those nights of love and beauty...If you find the moon through the smog and city lights, you do not recollect that she flew you there...

If she were a regular friend, she might dump you as a miserable ingrate. This friend is beyond the ordinary, and she has the patience of an angel - but even the patience of angels is not endless. So if you won't take her advice, she might make less of an effort to warn you...Then the magic begins to flicker in your world, and you are more alone than you ever need or want to be.

...dreams require action. We must take action to honor the friend who visits and advises and travels with us in our dreams, but the most important is the one we find in the mirror - when our sight is clear: the ancient and shining self. 

Taking the right action to honor dreams is practical magic of a high order. Real magic is the art of reaching into a deeper reality and bringing gifts from it into the physical world. This is what we do when we honor dreams, and the powers that speak through dreams."

- Robert Moss

me la como entera

I woke up with this quote on my mind.

"The demon that you can swallow gives you its power, and the greater life's pain, the greater life's reply."

- Joseph Campbell

snapshot of the lion-headed goddess, Sekhmet 

full moon lunar eclipse

my exquisite grandmother transitioned on this day years ago...her love and sweetness continue to guide me... 

Estrella Maruca, I promise to publish your story in print one of these days...

simplemente la mano nos damos y despues que murmure la gente

- Frida Kahlo and Chavela Vargas, 2013 mixed media on paper -

"Tomate esta botella conmigo,
y en el ultimo trago nos vamos.

Quiero ver a que sabe tu olvido,
sin poner en mis ojos tus manos.

Esta noche no voy a rogarte,
esta noche te vas de deveras.

Que dificil tratar de olvidarte,
sin que sienta que ya no me quieras...

Nada me han enseñado los años,
siempre caigo en los mismos errores,
otra vez a brindar con extraños,
y a llorar por los mismos dolores...

Tomate esta botella conmigo,
y en el ultimo trago me besas.

Esperamos que no hayan testigos,
por si acaso te diera verguenza.

Si algun dia sin querer tropezamos,
no te agaches ni me hables de frente,
simplemente la mano nos damos,
y despues que murmure la gente..." - Chavela Vargas

si nos tentamos

"Paso que pasa 

rostro que pasabas 
qué más quieres 
te miro 
después me olvidaré 
después y sólo 
solo y después 
seguro que me olvido.

Paso que pasas 
rostro que pasabas 
qué más quieres 
te quiero 
te quiero sólo dos 
o tres minutos 
para quererte más 
no tengo tiempo.

Paso que pasas 
rostro que pasabas 
que más quieres 
ay no 
ay no me tientes 
que si nos tentamos 
no nos podremos olvidar 
adiós."

- Mario Benedetti 

words unspoken

- mixed media from a series -

"light reflects from your shadow,
it is more than I thought could exist,
you move through the room,
like breathing was easy,
if someone believed me,

they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
in love, love, love...

and everyday,
I'm learning about you,
the things that no one else sees,
and the end comes too soon,
like dreaming of angels,

and leaving without them,

and with words unspoken,
a silent devotion,
I know you know what I mean,
and the end is unknown,
but I think I'm ready,
as long as you're with me,

being
as in love with you as I am
as in love, love, love..." 
- Romy Madley Croft

tu compañía

"¡Amor, cuántos caminos hasta llegar a un beso,

qué soledad errante hasta tu compañía!
Siguen los trenes solos rodando con la lluvia.
No amanece aún la primavera.

Pero tú y yo, amor mío, estamos juntos,
juntos desde la ropa a las raíces,
juntos de otoño, de agua, de caderas,
hasta ser sólo tú, sólo yo juntos.

Pensar que costó tantas piedras que lleva el río,
la desembocadura del agua de Boroa,
pensar que separados por trenes y naciones

tú y yo teníamos que simplemente amarnos,
con todos confundidos, con hombres y mujeres,
con la tierra que implanta y educa los claveles." - Pablo Neruda

detail from 2013 mixed media on canvas in a private collection 

walking in the rain

"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain." - Billie Holiday

mixed media on paper

nine years

In the blink of an eye my baby boy turned nine years old, yet what was the meaning of my life before him? 

I seemed to have all of the time in the world.

I could indulge in uninterrupted sleep and extraordinary lovemaking.

I traveled. I was carefree. I was selfish and self-centered. 

I seemed content, but something - or rather someone - was missing. 

excerpt from my journal 

2009 snapshot of his 1st birthday; it is important for me to mention that all of the surrounding toys were gifts from dear family and friends