kneeling at your feet

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow..."

- Sacha Skarbek, sung by James Blunt 

mi madrina

mi madre espiritual

discipline to be a free spirit

"Each of us is a moving center, a space of divine mystery. And though we spend most of our time on the surface in the daily details of ordinary existence, most of us hunger to connect with this space within, to break through to bliss, to be swept away into something bigger than us...

Do you have the discipline to be a free spirit?

Can we be free of all that binds and bends us into a shape of consciousness that has nothing to do with who we are from moment to moment, from breath to breath?" - Gabrielle Roth

2018 mixed media on canvas 

list of loves

"When I meet you and you meet me I do not know if you are the last name on the List of Loves, or if you are to be nobody to me, or if you are just another name on this long list...

...When you are the last name on the List your name will be held close, and the List will be tossed: it will serve as kindling in our fireplace in our hearth.

You and I have not yet realized that we are the two human beings who will enjoy saying nothing together, being apart from one another together, having too many breakfasts together, drinking one too many drinks together, going horseback riding together, doing laundry together, doing parties together, raising children together, composting neurosis for awake together.

We do not either of us know who our best friend in this world in this life will be...yet: it is me and it is you..."

- Waylon H. Lewis

only you

"Looking from a window above, it's like a story of love -

Can you hear me?

Came back only yesterday 

I'm moving further away,

Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave -

All I needed for another day 

And all I ever knew 

Only you 

Sometimes when I think of [your] name 

When it's only a game 

And I need you 

Listen to the words that you say 

It's getting harder to stay 

When I see you

All I needed was the love you gave 

All I needed for another day 

And all I ever knew 

Only you 

This is going to take a long time 

And I wonder what's mine 

Can't take no more 

Wonder if you'll understand 

It's just the touch of your hand 

Behind a closed door 

All I needed was the love you gave 

All I needed for another day 

And all I ever knew 

Only you..."

- Vince Clarke

selfie 

duele tanta distancia

- 2013 mixed media -

"Te conseguí la luz del sol a medianoche
Y el número después del infinito,
E instalé la Osa Mayor en tu diadema
Y tú seguías ahí como si nada;

Endulcé el agua del mar para tu sed,
Te alquilé un cuarto menguante de la luna,
Y como buen perdedor busqué en la cama
Las cosas que el amor no resolvía.

Y cómo duele que estés tan lejos
Durmiendo aqui en la misma cama;
Cómo duele tanta distancia,
Aunque te escucho respirar
Y estás a cientos de kilómetros

Y duele quererte tanto,
Fingir que todo está perfecto
Mientras duele gastar la vida
Tratando de localizar
Lo que hace tiempo se perdió...

Acabé con los jardines por tus flores,
Inventé la alquimia contra la utopía,
Y he llegado a confundir con la ternura
La lástima con que a veces me miras;

Que triste es asumir el sufrimiento,
patético es creer que una mentira
convoque a los duendes del milagro,
que te hagan despertar enamorada.

Por qué nos duele tanta distancia,
Fingir que todo está perfecto
Mientras sientes que te duele
gastar la vida durmiendo aquí en la misma cama...
Cómo duele..."
- Ricardo Arjona

little stories

- mixed media from a series -

"What a miserable day.

He didn't even have the decency to return my call.

She let me down.

Little stories we tell ourselves and others, often in the form of complaints.  They are unconsciously designed to enhance our always deficient sense of self through being "right" and making something or someone "wrong."  Being "right" places us in a position of IMAGINED SUPERIORITY and so strengthens our false sense of self, the ego.  This also creates some kind of enemy: yes, the ego needs enemies to define its boundary, and even the weather can serve that function.

Through habitual mental judgement and emotional contraction, you have a personalized, reactive relationship to people and events in your life.  These are all forms of self-created suffering, but they are not recognized as such because to the ego they are satisfying.  The ego enhances itself through reactivity and conflict.

How simple life would be without those stories.

It is raining.

He did not call.

I was there.  She was not."
- Eckhart Tolle 

un río en tu mar

"Hey! 

no vayas presumiendo por ahí 

diciendo que no puedo estar sin ti 

tú qué sabes de mi. 

ya sé que a ti te gusta presumir 

decir a los amigos que sin ti 

ya no puedo vivir. 

no creas que te haces un favor 

cuando hablas a la gente de mi amor 

y te burlas de mi. 

que hay veces que es mejor querer así 

que ser querido y no poder sentir 

lo que siento por ti. 

ya ves 

tú nunca me has querido ya lo ves 

que nunca he sido tuyo ya lo sé 

fue sólo por orgullo ese querer. 

ya ves 

de que te vale ahora presumir 

ahora que no estoy ya junto a ti 

que les dirás de mi ? 

recuerdo que ganabas siempre tú 

que hacías de ese triunfo una virtud 

yo era sombra y tú luz. 

no sé si tú también recordarás 

que siempre que intentaba hacer la paz 

yo era un río en tu mar. 

ahora que ya todo terminó 

que como siempre soy el perdedor 

cuando pienses en mi. 

no creas que te guardo algún rencor 

es siempre más feliz quien más amó 

y ese siempre fui yo..."

 - Julio Iglesias

suavemente golpeo a la puerta y espero

"Esa mujer es una casa secreta.

En sus rincones, guarda voces y esconde fantasmas.

En las noches de invierno, humea.

Quien en ella entra, dicen, nunca más sale.

Yo atravieso el hondo foso que la rodea. 

En esa casa seré habitado.

En ella espera el vino que me beberá.

Muy suavemente golpeo a la puerta, y espero."

- Eduardo Galeano 

mixed media on canvas 

one more sign of freedom

"...que el placer que juntos inventamos sea otro signo de la libertad."

-Julio Cortázar

"...let the pleasure we invent together be one more sign of freedom."

-Julio Cortázar translated by Stephen Kessler

...a morning with Julio and his poetry, my pearls and rose petals between pages...

te esfuerzas y me olvidas

"I feel myself dying in you, overtaken by expanding spaces, which feed on me like hungry butterflies.

I close my eyes and I'm laid out in your memory, barely alive, with my mouth wide open and the river of oblivion rising. 

And you, patiently, with needle-nosed pliers, pull out my teeth, my eyelashes, you strip the clover from my voice, the shade from my desire, you open up windows of space in my name and blue holes in my chest through which the summers rush out in mourning.

Transparent, sharpened, interwoven with air I float in a drowse, and still I say your name and wake you, anguished. 

But you force yourself to forget me, and I'm barely a bubble reflecting you, which you'll burst with the blink of an eye." 

- Julio Cortázar translated by Stephen Kessler 

"Me siento morir en ti, atravesado de espacios que crecen, que me comen igual que mariposas hambrientas.

Cierro los ojos y estoy tendido en tu memoria, apenas vivo, con los abiertos labios donde remonta el río del olvido.

Y tu, con delicadas pinzas de paciencia me arrancas los dientes, las pestañas, me desnudas el trébol de la voz, la sombra del deseo, vas abriendo en mi nombre ventanas al espacio y agujeros azules en mi pecho por donde los veranos huyen lamentándose.

Transparente, aguzado, entretejido de aire floto en la duermevela, y todavía digo tu nombre y te despierto acongojada.

Pero te esfuerzas y me olvidas, yo soy apenas la burbuja que te refleja, que destruirás con sólo un parpadeo."

- Julio Cortázar 

believe

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

- Maya Angelou

this has been coming up for me a lot lately...

habitual behavior patterns and cycles...

year of the dog

I sense I am entering a new phase in my life. I am tired of being a pleaser. 

Am I ready to embrace my inner blessed bitch? 

Yes.

I am the Mama Wolf. 

La Loba. 

This is the year of the dog who is a descendant of the wolf...

Aaaaaauuuuuuuuu...

 

at ease within

"...Many people use alcohol, drugs, sex, food, work, television, or even shopping as anesthetics in an unconscious attempt to remove the basic unease. When this happens, an activity that might be very enjoyable if used in moderation becomes imbued with a compulsive or addictive quality, and all that is ever achieved through it is extremely short-lived symptom relief.

...The best indicator of your level of consciousness is how you deal with life's challenges when they come. Through those challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious, and a conscious person more intensely conscious. You can use a challenge to awaken you, or you can allow it to pull you into deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary unconsciousness then turns into a nightmare.

If you cannot be present even in normal circumstances, such as when you are sitting alone in a room, walking in the woods, or listening to someone, then you certainly won't be able to stay conscious when something 'goes wrong' or you are faced with difficult people or situations, with loss or the threat of loss. You will be taken over by a reaction, which ultimately is always some form of fear, and pulled into unconsciousness. Those challenges are your tests. Only the way in which you deal with them will show you and others where you are at - as far as your state of consciousness is concerned, not how long you can sit with your eyes closed or what visions you see.

So it is essential to bring more consciousness into your life in ordinary situations when everything is going relatively smoothly. In this way, you grow in presence power. It generates an energy field in you and around you of a high vibrational frequency. No unconsciousness, no negativity, no discord or violence can enter that field and survive, just as darkness cannot survive in the presence of light.

When you learn to be the witness of your thoughts and emotions, which is an essential part of being present, you may be surprised when you become aware of the background 'static' of ordinary unconsciousness and realize how rarely, if ever, you are truly at ease within yourself. On the level of your thinking, you will find a great deal of resistance in the form of judgement, discontent, and mental projection away from the NOW. On the emotional level, there will be an undercurrent of unease, tension, boredom, or nervousness. Both are aspects of the mind in its habitual resistance mode."

- Eckhart Tolle

llegar a un beso

"¡Amor, cuántos caminos hasta llegar a un beso,

qué soledad errante hasta tu compañía!
Siguen los trenes solos rodando con la lluvia.
No amanece aún la primavera.

Pero tú y yo, amor mío, estamos juntos,
juntos desde la ropa a las raíces,
juntos de otoño, de agua, de caderas,
hasta ser sólo tú, sólo yo juntos.

Pensar que costó tantas piedras que lleva el río,
la desembocadura del agua de Boroa,
pensar que separados por trenes y naciones

tú y yo teníamos que simplemente amarnos,
con todos confundidos, con hombres y mujeres,
con la tierra que implanta y educa los claveles." - Pablo Neruda

detail from 2013 mixed media on canvas in a private collection 

silent devotion

"light reflects from your shadow,
it is more than I thought could exist,
you move through the room,
like breathing was easy,
if someone believed me,

they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
as in love with you as I am,
they would be,
in love, love, love...

and everyday,
I'm learning about you,
the things that no one else sees,
and the end comes too soon,
like dreaming of angels,

and leaving without them,

and with words unspoken,
a silent devotion,
I know you know what I mean,
and the end is unknown,
but I think I'm ready,
as long as you're with me,

being
as in love with you as I am
as in love, love, love..." 
- Romy Madley Croft

moving along

"If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along.  I align myself with people who support my growth." - Louise L. Hay

2010 photograph from a series

declare peace for myself

"Because I keep myself centered in inner peace, I have peace in my outer world. Although others may have discord and chaos, it does not touch me, for I declare peace for myself. The Universe is one of great order and peacefulness, and I reflect this in every moment of my life. The stars and the planets do not need to be worried or fearful in order to maintain their heavenly orbits, nor does chaotic thinking contribute to my peaceful existence in life. I choose to express peacefulness, for I am peace."

- Louise L. Hay

wildness

"...in 1450 a beautiful Celtic mermaid named Asenora swam ashore on the coast of Cornwall where a Benedictine monastery had recently been established. After removing her fish tail and hiding it among the rocks, she explored the area on foot and discovered the community of men. She made many clandestine visits – -

....Suspicious that Asenora was no ordinary woman but a mermaid, and greatly alarmed by her presence, the abbot of the monastery hid himself by the water and waited. He witnessed Asenora swim ashore, remove her fish tail and hide it in a niche in the cliff.

When she wandered off in the direction of the abbey, the shrewd abbot retrieved the fish tail, bundling it into his robe. He tucked it inside a secret compartment hidden under the seat of his chair, in the church. Without her tail, the poor mermaid could never go back to the sea, and soon the wildness of it drained out of her. Asenora was converted, and eventually became Saint Senara...”

excerpt from “The Mermaid Chair” a novel by Sue Monk Kidd @ 2005

life outside the garden

"In the cage is the lion. She paces with her memories. Her body is a record of her past. As she moves back and forth, one may see it all: the lean frame, the muscular legs, the paw enclosing sharp claws, the astonishing speed of her response. She was born in this garden. She has never in her life stretched those legs. Never darted farther than twenty yards at a time. Only once did she use her claws. Only once did she feel them sink into flesh. And it was her keeper's flesh. Her keeper whom she loves, who feeds her, who would never dream of harming her, who protects her. Who in his mercy forgave her mad attack, saying it was her nature, to be cruel at a whim, to try to kill what she loves...she knows no life outside the garden. She has no notion of anger of what she could have been, or might be. No idea of rebellion. It is only her body that knows of these things, moving her, daily, hourly, back and forth, before the bars of her cage."

- Susan Griffin

enough is enough

"Her light glows with heartbreaking beauty, but she is unaware of her value. Such a light, whether it be the glow of a woman's creative light, her wild soul, her physical beauty, her intelligence, or her generosity, always attracts the predator. Such a light that is also unaware and unprotected is always a target...By her sweetness, her warm and welcoming voice, her lovely manner, she not only attracted those who took away an ember from her, but so large a crowd gathered before her soulful fire that they blocked her from receiving any of its warmth herself. The poor bargain she had made was to never say NO in order to be consistently loved. The predator of her own psyche offered her the gold of being loved if she would give up her instincts that said ENOUGH is ENOUGH..."

- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes 

satisfaction

are you satisfied my dear?

enough

"I can hold my breath.

I can bite my tongue.

I can stay awake for days,

if that's what you want,

be your number one.

I can fake a smile.

I can force a laugh.

I can dance and play the part,

if that's what you ask,

give you all that I am.

I can do it...

but I'm only human.

And I bleed when I fall down.

I'm only human,

and I crash and I break down.

Your words in my head,

knives in my heart.

You build me up,

then I fall apart,

'cause I'm only human.

I can turn it on,

be a good machine.

I can hold the weight of worlds,

if that's what you need,

be your everything.

I can do it...

I'll get through it,

but I'm only human...

just a little human.

I can take so much,

until I've had enough..."

- C. Perri

I cannot fake a smile, much less a laugh and I am a protective lioness with those I love.

thinking about you

"Every time I think of you 

I always catch my breath 

And I'm still standing here 

And you're miles away 

And I'm wondering why you left

And there's a storm that's raging

Through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles

And it always makes me smile

I spend my time

Thinking about you

And it's almost driving me wild

And there's a heart that's breaking

Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all

Since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you

No matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire

And I'm sending you this signal tonight

You don't know

How desperate I've become

And it looks like I'm losing this fight

In your world

I have no meaning

Though I'm trying hard to understand

And it's my heart that's breaking

Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all

Since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you

No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out

Like a telegraph to your soul

And if I can't bridge this distance

Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain't missing you at all

Since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you

No matter what my friends say

I ain't missing you

I ain't missing you

I can lie to myself

And there's a storm that's raging

Through my frozen heart tonight

I ain't missing you at all

Since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you

No matter what my friends say

Ain't missing you

I ain't missing you

I ain't missing you

I can lie to myself

Ain't missing you...

No matter what my friends might say

I ain't missing you..."

- John Waite

our spirits

Let's meet up
When the time is right
The time is right
The time is right
Well I don't know about you
I don't know about you

Let's find out
What you are about
What's hidden in there
What you've got for me there
Well I don't know about you
I don't know about you

I know the way to fantasy
The world of dreams
The place to be
Well I don't know about you
I don't know about you

Let's find out
If our spirits meet
Let's push and tweak
Let our spirits cheat
'Cause I don't know about you
No I don't know about you

You can trust me baby
The scratch right there
You can trust me baby
You can trust me baby

Well I don't know about you
I don't know about you

Anybody
Who's coming with me
Gotta love my tracks
And swing an axe
No I don't know about you
I don't know about you

Don't know don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know don't know

Well I don't know about you
I don't know about you
But I don't know about you
I don't know about you

- Fever Ray

a fool can have his charms

"...I'm wild again, beguiled again.
A simpering, whimpering child again.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I...

Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep
When love came and told me, I shouldn't sleep
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He can laugh, but I love it
Although the laugh's on me

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

He's a fool and don't I know it
But a fool can have his charms
I'm in love and don't I show it
Like a babe in arms

Love's the same old sad sensation
Lately I've not slept a wink
Since this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I've sinned a lot, I'm mean a lot
But I'm like sweet seventeen a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And worship the trousers that cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get, off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he's at his very best

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank God, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Wise at last, my eyes at last
Are cutting you down to your size at last
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Burned a lot, but learned a lot
And now you are broke, 

so you earned a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more...

Romance, finis. 

Your chance, finis.
Those ants that invaded my pants, finis.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more..."

- Ella Fitzgerald