work in progress

I am a dance.

I am an infinity of kisses.

I am a mystery.

I am a woman.

I am a limitless work in progress...

2014 mixed media on canvas

new moon blessings

We live amongst incarnated earth angels. 

The new moon ushers in beginnings wrapped in healing rains and winds of change. 

Let us open up and receive the blessings...the beauty and grace...

snapshot of my beloved wing-wearing 5-year-old 

azul

te mando

besos azules

envueltos en sueños

te mando

mi alma desnuda

y pintada de azul

sobre mar, cielo y tiempo

te mando todo y nada

siempre azul

sólo azul

songbird serenade

- mixed media collage from older journals - 

Once again, I woke up before the sun.  My body feels rested and restored and ready to stretch through mindful breaths.  

Outside my window, songbirds serenade the sun or perhaps the moon or both. The sweet sounds of life and spring remind me of a short story:

Little Bird hatched from Mother’s ancient crystals with a precious gem balanced upon its beak.  

“Why am I here?” Little Bird asked Water Buddha. 

Little Bird, you are here to live.To breathe and to fly.To laugh and to cry...

excerpt from a series written many moons ago

soul longing

"What do I long for? 

Something that is felt in the night but not seen in the day.

I feel this pang inside --

Is it my soul trying to break out, or the world's soul trying to break in?"

 - Rabindranath Tagore

alive

- rose petals from 2008 -

"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it.  You and you alone make me feel that I am alive.  Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough." - G.E. Moore (1873-1958)

with whom do you feel alive?

do you believe in incarnated angels?

temple of my adult aloneness

- self-portrait -

THE HOUSE OF BELONGING by David Whyte

"I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.

But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and
I thought

it must have been the quiet
candlelight
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first
easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.

And
I thought
this is the good day
you could
meet your love,

this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging."

- David Whyte

I woke up thinking of this poem...

a spider's mind games

- 2014 mixed media -

…the dark, thirsty spider has already injected paralyzing venom and is stealthily weaving a sticky, intricate web, slowly sucking the light and draining the life force from within its unsuspecting prey…

excerpt from my journals


I see beyond my eyes, with heart and intuition.

I see behind the clever masks and smiles.

I understand the lie within the lie, disguised as "truth"...

Dreams guide me.  Ancestors and angels protect me.

I have learned to trust my gut.

Nothing can be done to change a loved one's stubborn, karmic destiny.

Could the spider be teaching me to fully and fearlessly step into my power by simply trusting myself more and more?

earth day

- photo is circa 2010 -

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread - places to play and pray where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike." - John Muir (1838-1914)

beauty and bread
play and prayer
body and soul

do you have a special place in nature?


originally published in April 2010


My 5-year-old son enjoys a sacred connection and communion with Mother Nature.  Our younger generations understand the importance of honoring Earth on a daily basis...

determined

- 2014 mixed media on paper from a new series I just began -

"The Journey" - by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
- Mary Oliver

life and love and peace

- snapshot taken with my phone on a recent walk -

"For I remember it is Easter morn,

And life and love and peace are all new born."

- Alice Freeman Palmer (1855-1902)

dancing in healing flames

A pulsating crescent moon gradually became a blood-orange fiery red.  The more I focused on the mystical moon, the rounder it became, gradually filling to capacity and perfect union with itself -- or could it have been with the sun?  In the midst of the orbed throbbing sphere of fire, I discovered a dancing Buddha ignited in light.  I can still feel the heat from the healing flames upon my face.

- excerpt from my dreams last night

I am being purified and strengthened through the fires of my soul's journey and growth...I must celebrate and dance and simply surrender to the sacred fires...

  

no love no glory no hero in her sky

I woke up with this song on my mind...it is not the first time this melody invades my dreams...

"And so it is just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time

and so it is the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you...

and so it is just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time

and so it is the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you...

ooh - did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you...

my mind...my mind...
till I find somebody new."

- Damien Rice

...the strange part is that I cannot recall the dream in detail, which is most unlike me...the only clue I have is this song at 5 o'clock in the morning...

el encanto de Gabo

1927 - 2014

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” 

“Le parecía tan bella, tan seductora, tan distinta de la gente común, que no entendía por qué nadie se trastornaba como él con las castañuelas de sus tacones en los adoquines de la calle, ni se le desordenaba el corazón con el aire de los suspiros de sus volantes, ni se volvía loco de amor todo el mundo con los vientos de su trenza, el vuelo de sus manos, el oro de su risa. No había perdido un gesto suyo, ni un indicio de su carácter, pero no se atrevía a acercársele por el temor de malograr el encanto."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1927-2014)

red flags indicating it is time to let go and move on

I read this last night...wisdom from Iyanla Vanzant:

"We have all had moments when we felt uncertain about our next move - wondered if we should make one at all. Do I stay in this relationship or leave it behind? Do I stick with this job or look for  another? Am I really happy living in this city, or would I be happier somewhere else? While these decisions can feel daunting, the RED FLAGS that tell you it may be time to walk away are easy to recognize:

1. You feel like you are fighting an uphill battle. None of us should expect to tiptoe through tulips all day long, but if you spend most of your time trying to fix, alter, or cope with a situation, there is a good chance it's not the right one for you. Joy is a natural outcome of being where you should be. So if you're constantly struggling to feel good, it's probably time for a change.

2. You feel obligated, not excited, to stay. Relationships based on obligation rarely last long, because they always - always - lead to resentment and bitterness. Having a must hanging over your head limits your ability to choose, and because choice is power, lack of choice will make you feel powerless. Staying because you think you have to isn't doing anyone any favors: If you don't want to be there, you won't be able to give yourself in any way that is meaningful.

3. You're not valued. Nothing is more damaging than to know you are disposable. When you give your all to someone or something but can see plain as day how little it matters to whoever is on the receiving end, it's time to go. Don't allow yourself to be compared with others, don't allow yourself to be put down more often than you're lifted up, and do not, under any circumstances, accept less than you deserve. Those are clear exit signs.

4. Fear is holding you back. When you stay only because of the scary things that might or might not happen if you go, you make a conscious decision not to grow. And living in a way that stunts your growth always has a price. Staying merely out of habit or comfort costs you more opportunities than you know.

5. You're compromising yourself. Integrity is the internal mechanism that encourages us to do what's right for us even when others disagree. When you ignore that mechanism - whether to make someone else feel better or to save yourself the difficulty of doing right - you wind up causing yourself a lot of heartache. The misery of feeling bad about who you are or how you're accommodating everyone except yourself will eventually pollute the very situation you're trying to preserve. Don't let that happen. Steel your courage, face the truth, and get moving."

- Iyanla Vanzant 

sting serenade on a delicious rainy day

- my desk -

"Though I've tried before to tell her,
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart,
Every time that I come near her,
I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start,

Every little thing she does is magic,
Everything she does just turns me on,
Even though my life before was tragic,
Now I know my love for her goes on,

Do I have to tell the story,
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?
It's a big enough umbrella,
But it's always me that ends up getting wet,

Every little thing she does is magic,
Everything she does just turns me on,
Even though my life before was tragic,
Now I know my love for her goes on,

I resolved to call her up,
A thousand times a day,
Ask her if she'll marry me,
In some old fashioned way,

But my silent fears have gripped me,
Long before I reach the phone,
Long before my tongue has tripped me,
Must I always be alone..." - STING

 

cherry blossom realization

wild 

rebellious 

unconventional and defiant...where is this energy coming from?

I feel like pouring myself into a dance, onto a canvas and on the pages of my journal...

As I walked under the fragile and ephemeral cherry blossoms I found myself fascinated by the trees' tough, textured trunks and deep roots.

I am tired of being nice and quiet like the pale, fading petals everyone seems to admire...

the photos of my rebellious cherry blossoms were taken and edited with my phone

always

- mixed media on paper -

"I'll be loving you Always
With a love that's true Always.
When the things you've planned
Need a helping hand,
I will understand Always.

Always.

Days may not be fair Always,
That's when I'll be there Always.
Not for just an hour,
Not for just a day,
Not for just a year,
But Always.

I'll be loving you, oh Always
With a love that's true Always.
When the things you've planned
Need a helping hand,
I will understand Always.

Always.

Dreams will all come true,
growing old with you,
and time will fly,
caring each day more
than the day before,
till spring rolls by.
Then when the springtime has gone,
Then will my love linger on.

I'll be loving you, oh Always
With a love that's true Always.
When the things you've planned
Need a helping hand,
I will understand Always.

Always.

Days may not be fair Always,
That's when I'll be there Always.
Not for just an hour,
Not for just a day,
Not for just a year,
But Always."

- Iriving Berlin (1888-1989)

unexpected passion

- mixed media on paper -

"I don't believe in rules.  I think it's the heart that should talk.  The first thing about love is that you have to love yourself.  No relationship will work unless you do...I wanted to be his friend.  I thought he would be a good friend to have.  But we were completely taken over by passion, and it was completely, utterly unexpected on both sides.  That made it more exciting, because it was so unexpected...Yes, I do believe in soul mates." - Diane von Fürstenberg (b. 1946)

heart and soul through breath

- the legendary Gato Barbieri at the Howard Theatre last night -

Music puts me in touch with Spirit.  Musicians are shamans, using sound to transport us to more abstract, unseen realms.

Gato Barbieri bestows glimpses of heart and soul through breath.  He makes love to the saxophone.  Passionate, uninhibited, deliciously serendipitous, playful yet intense lovemaking...

expired relationships

I love beets. I love to eat them and paint with their unforgiving, staining juices.  

Beets remind me of Grand Mother and God Mother. I can almost taste the unforgettable beet soup with Guru Spiritual Mother... 

Yesterday, I discovered a jar and a can of sliced beets...both had expired.  

What are we holding on to that has already expired? 

expired ideas 

expired relationships 

expired habits

This is from my 2010 journals.  With the exception of creamy nut butters, coconut mana and the occasional canned albacore or sardine for salads, I rarely consume anything out of a jar or can anymore.

A lot has changed in four years.  I am no longer the same person I was four years ago.  I doubt I am the same person I was only yesterday. I believe we have the ability to evolve with each conscious, mindful breath as we discover the depths our essence.

I am intrigued by the idea of expired relationships.  In our heart of hearts, we sense when a relationship begins to fade.  I am referring to all kinds of relationships - not only lovers, partners and spouses...

So can friendships be rekindled?  Are they even suppose to be?  Do we hold on to connections out of some sense of obligation, duty, honor or even guilt? Can relationships be recycled in some way?  What about karmic and co-dependant connections?  

So many questions. I am relieved to realize that I am okay with not having answers.  There more I learn and grow, the less I truly know...and I am relishing this sense of freedom and liberation.  

It is all a dance... Life is a wildly mysterious and wonderful dance...

touched the perfect body with your mind

- 2013 mixed media on paper -

"Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength 
And she lets the river answer 
That you've always been her lover 
And you want to travel with her 
And you want to travel blind 
And you know that she will trust you 
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind...

Now Suzanne takes your hand 
And she leads you to the river 
She is wearing rags and feathers 
From Salvation Army counters 
And the sun pours down like honey 
On our lady of the harbour 
And she shows you where to look 
Among the garbage and the flowers 
There are heroes in the seaweed 
There are children in the morning 
They are leaning out for love 
And they will lean that way forever 
While Suzanne holds the mirror 
And you want to travel with her 
And you want to travel blind 
And you know that you can trust her 
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind..."

- L. Cohen (circa 1967)

mindful cravings

I have been hungry since last night, craving sushi and ceviche. 

Raw fish cravings...I have even been lusting after a clandestine cigarette. I doubt mermaids smoke.

What is my soul craving?

What is my soul hungering for?

I bring the cravings to my yoga and meditation practice this morning. I sit and stretch with them, becoming more curious and compassionate through each breath...

the beginning of the beginning

- an image from my 2007 journals -

"Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring security or confirmation.  Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring any ground to stand on.  In fact, when your mind turns toward the dharma, you fearlessly acknowledge impermanence and change and begin to get the knack of hopelessness.

In Tibetan there's an interesting word: ye tang che.  The ye part means "totally, completely," and the rest of it means "exhausted." Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out.  We might say "totally fed up."  It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope.  This is an important point.  This is the beginning of the beginning.  Without giving up hope -- that there's somewhere better to be, that there's someone better to be -- we will never relax with where we are now or who we are.

To think that we can finally get it all together is unrealistic.  To seek for some lasting security is futile. To undo our very ancient and very stuck habitual patterns of mind requires that we begin to turn around some of our most basic assumptions.  Believing in a solid, separate self, continuing to seek pleasure and avoid pain, thinking that someone "out there" is to blame for our pain -- one has to get totally fed up with these ways of thinking.  One has to give up hope that this way of thinking will bring us satisfaction.  Suffering begins to dissolve when we can question the belief or the hope that there's anywhere to hide." - Pema Chodron

I bring it all to my meditation mat: the numbness, the emptiness, the anxiety, the loss, the boredom, the grief, the gratitude, the joy, the laughter, the exhaustion...without judgement.  I sit and breathe and simply honor what is going on at the moment.  I am more than feelings and emotions.  I am more than thoughts.  I am more and yet I am nothing and everything.

...this is where I am on this delicious, rainy Monday morning...Om Shanthi...