an ancient druid holiday

- mixed media depicting dreams -

"Halloween is an ancient druidic holiday, one the Celtic peoples have celebrated for millennia. It is the crack between the last golden rays of summer and the dark of winter; the delicately balanced tweak of the year before it is given over entirely to the dark; a time for the souls of the departed to squint, to peek and perhaps to travel through the gap. What could be more thrilling and worthy of celebration than that? It is a time to celebrate sweet bounty, as the harvest is brought in. It is a time of excitement and pleasure for children before the dark sets in. We should all celebrate that." - Jenny Colgan

the great pumpkin

"Dear Great Pumpkin,
I am looking forward to your arrival on Halloween Night..."

from the 1966 "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown"
by Charles Schulz

2010 PHOTOGRAPH: my son running through a great pumpkin patch

every leaf

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."
- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

spend the day outdoors


  originally posted in 2010

remembering you standing quiet in the rain

- a little sketch from my journals -

"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you 

That I almost believe that they're real 

I've been living so long with my pictures of you

That I almost believe that the pictures are 
All I can feel

Remembering

You standing quiet in the rain

As I ran to your heart to be near

And we kissed as the sky fell in

Holding you close

How I always held close in your fear

Remembering

You running soft through the night

You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow

And screamed at the make-believe

Screamed at the sky

And you finally found all your courage

To let it all go

Remembering

You fallen into my arms

Crying for the death of your heart

You were stone white

So delicate

Lost in the cold

You were always so lost in the dark

Remembering

You how you used to be

Slow drowned

You were angels

So much more than everything

Hold for the last time then slip away quietly

Open my eyes

But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words

I could have held on to your heart

If only I'd thought of the right words

I wouldn't be breaking apart

All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you

But I never hold on to your heart

Looking so long for the words to be true

But always just breaking apart

My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to feel you deep in my heart

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to never feel the breaking apart

All my pictures of you" - THE CURE

I am finally finding all of my courage to let it all go...

luna llena

may tonight's full moon grant you mystical dreams, tell you a story or sing you a love song...

"...Luna que se quiebra sobre la tiniebla 

de mi soledad, a dondé vas?

Dime si esta noche, tú te vas de ronda 
como el se fué. Con quién está?

Dile que lo quiero, dile que me muero 
de tanto esperar. Que vuelva ya..."

- Agustín Lara

capaz de amar con delirio, capaz de hundirse en la tristeza

- 2013 mixed media -

"Tiene la expresión de una flor,
la voz de un pájaro,
y el alma como luna llena,
de un mes de abril...

Tiene en sus palabras calor,
y frío de invierno,
su piel es dura como el árbol,
que azota el viento...

Y tiene el corazón de poeta,
de niño grande y de hombre niño,
capaz de amar con delirio,
capaz de hundirse en la tristeza...

El tiene, el corazón de poeta,
de vagabundo y de mendigo,
y así lo he conocido,
y así me gusta a mi que sea,
que tenga el corazón de poeta...

Tiene la arrogancia del sol,
mirada cándida,
su piel de nieve se hace fuego cerca de mi...

Es amigo y amante fiel,
ve las estrellas,
camina junto a mi soñando,
con cosas bellas...

Y tiene el corazón de poeta,
de niño grande y de hombre niño,
capaz de amar con delirio,
capaz de hundirse en la tristeza...

El tiene, el corazón de poeta,
de vagabundo y de mendigo,
y así lo he conocido
y así me gusta a mi que sea,
que tenga el corazón de poeta..." - JEANETTE

as certain dark things are to be loved

- my shoulder -

"No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio 

o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño."

- Pablo Neruda

***

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this:  where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

- Pablo Neruda translated by Stephen Tapscott

el fado de Mariza

"What I think happens is, society has been more open to see a woman crying and putting out her emotions than a man. Normally you don't like to see a man crying about his feelings and his lost loves. So women have more appeal when they do that.

I don't remember the first doll that I had, but I do remember my first fado. I never had a teacher. There are no schools for teaching fado. It's an oral tradition, and you learn it on the street, in the tavernas, and in the fado houses.

In fado, you can sing about joy, love, lost love, jealousy, happiness, sadness, as well as sausade - every part of it is being human. You don't have to be a melancholic or sad person to sing this type of music. You just have to feel it. For me, fado is something completely natural. It's like breathing."

- Mariza

moving lyrics from one of my favorite songs tonight:

" Puedo decir que está vacía cada una de estas calles. Puedo decir que veo gente y sin embargo no veo a nadie. Puedo decir que solo los coches me duermen. Puedo demostrar que no respiro el aire que todos respiran. Puedo decir que soy el último testigo de un jardín perdido que nadie habita. Y ahora que mi tiempo ya se acaba no puedo explicar por qué te has ido. No puedo decir tu nombre sin escalofríos. Alma, me dueles en el alma. Te busco como un loco cada noche en mi ventana. No puedo dormir sin el latido de tu voz. Me miro en tu mirada y no veo nada. Alma, me dueles en el alma...Puedo subirme a los tejados donde solo vive el viento. Puedo describirte en el colmado de mi mente donde fado cantan los viejos. Y ahora que mi tiempo ya se acaba no puedo explicar porque te has ido..."

snapshots from Mariza's powerful performance 

to the end of love

- mixed media from my journals -

"Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin -

Dance me through the panic, 'til I'm gathered safely in -

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove -

Dance me to the end of love -

Let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone -

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon -

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of -

Dance me to the end of love -

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on -

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long -

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above -

Dance me to the end of love -

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born -

Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn -

Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn -

Dance me to the end of love -

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin -

Dance me through the panic, 'til I'm gathered safely in -

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove -

Dance me to the end of love..."

- Leonard Cohen

karma

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

- Wayne Dyer

natural language of the soul

~ mixed media on paper ~

"The dancer of the future will be one whose body and soul have grown so harmoniously together that the natural language of that soul will have become the movement of the body. The dancer will not belong to a nation but to all humanity. She will dance not in the form of a nymph, nor fairy, nor coquette but in the form of a woman in its greatest and purest expression. She will realize the mission of woman's body and the holiness of all its parts. She will dance the changing life of nature, showing how each part is transformed into the other. From all parts of her body shall shine radiant intelligence, bringing to the world the message of the thoughts and aspirations of thousands of women. She shall dance the freedom of women ..."
- Isadora Duncan (1877 – 1927)

great courage and personal strength

"Often we long for another person because, in an invisible, intangible realm, we're still communicating, still connecting, still seeking resolution...

...there was a time when widows wore weeds for a year; grief was understood, acknowledged, validated. It's not neurotic to grieve a relationship; what's neurotic is when we don't. On some level, no matter how disassociated from our feelings we might be, every relationship brings hope - hope that this might be a safe place, a haven, a rest after all our battles.

When a relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, our disappointment is natural. Every intense encounter represents a deep and complicated KARMIC connection. An ending of a relationship is much like a death, and in many cases the sadness is even greater. When someone has died, there has often been completion and understanding that doesn't occur when both people are alive but have separated without higher awareness. Perhaps the one we love is simply on the other side of town now, sleeping with someone else, yet they are really universes away since the resolution we so crave has not occurred. There's no need to pretend this isn't a knife to the heart. It is, and there's nothing to do but cry the tears that gush forth like blood from a wound...

...It takes great courage and personal strength to hold on to our center during times of great hurt. It takes wisdom to understand that our reactiveness only fans the flames of FALSE DRAMA. Love creates a mystical shield around us, protecting us from chaos...TRUTH can never be destroyed."

- Marianne Williamson

no hero in her sky

~ mixed media from a series ~

I woke up with this song on my mind...it is not the first time this melody invades my dreams...

"And so it is just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time

and so it is the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you...

and so it is just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time

and so it is the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you...

ooh - did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you...

my mind...my mind...
till I find somebody new."

- Damien Rice

...the strange part is that I cannot recall the dream in detail, which is most unlike me...the only clue I have is this song at 5 o'clock in the morning...

it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you

- mixed media from a series -

"My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high.
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you." - James Blunt

in love with life

"Then, she began to breathe, and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. She was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. And for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring."

- R.M.Drake

detail from a piece in a private collection: rose quartz, pearls, silk and bronze

birthday girl

"birthday girl philosophy: be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite, and take an occasional "wind bath" in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses, huge hugs, and the words "i love you" often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting. spend time with the old and the weary to better appreciate your life. on your birthday, call your mother and father wherever they are to thank them for all that they have done for you. watch the movie "life is beautiful" at least once a year. remember that you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank god for every thing, every day, every moment."

prepared to pick up the pieces when it's all over

- mixed media on paper -

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. A time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." - Octavia Butler

friendship is truly an art...

I am learning to bite my tongue, despite my intuition...

despite my knowing...

silence...

patience...

prayers of protection...

forgiveness...

above all, love and compassion...

I am prepared to pick up the pieces when it's all over...

you open up windows of space in my name and blue holes in my chest

"I feel myself dying in you, overtaken by expanding spaces, which feed on me like hungry butterflies.

I close my eyes and I'm laid out in your memory, barely alive, with my mouth wide open and the river of oblivion rising. 

And you, patiently, with needle-nosed pliers, pull out my teeth, my eyelashes, you strip the clover from my voice, the shade from my desire, you open up windows of space in my name and blue holes in my chest through which the summers rush out in mourning.

Transparent, sharpened, interwoven with air I float in a drowse, and still I say your name and wake you, anguished. 

But you force yourself to forget me, and I'm barely a bubble reflecting you, which you'll burst with the blink of an eye." 

- Julio Cortázar translated by Stephen Kessler 

"Me siento morir en ti, atravesado de espacios que crecen, que me comen igual que mariposas hambrientas.

Cierro los ojos y estoy tendido en tu memoria, apenas vivo, con los abiertos labios donde remonta el río del olvido.

Y tu, con delicadas pinzas de paciencia me arrancas los dientes, las pestañas, me desnudas el trébol de la voz, la sombra del deseo, vas abriendo en mi nombre ventanas al espacio y agujeros azules en mi pecho por donde los veranos huyen lamentándose.

Transparente, aguzado, entretejido de aire floto en la duermevela, y todavía digo tu nombre y te despierto acongojada.

Pero te esfuerzas y me olvidas, yo soy apenas la burbuja que te refleja, que destruirás con sólo un parpadeo."

- Julio Cortázar 

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

one of my favorite poems by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool, for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me 
is true.
I want to know if you can 
disappoint another 
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life 
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer from the book "The Invitation"

a reminder to be true to myself, to my dreams, to my art...

Papa-Coco

Beloved Grand Father,

How I wish you were still walking upon this planet, holding my son's hand.

Although, I am certain you are already great friends on a soul level.


Mi Papa-Coco de mis sueños...

nací siendo la primera nieta del 

Doctor Antioco Sacasa Sarria 

mi Papa-Coco de ojos azules

quien me contaba cuentos

historias reales

leyendas maravillosas

con guitarra y voz dulce...

Papa-Coco siento su mirada en cielos celestes.

Papa-Coco escucho sus consejos con amor, ya que siempre nos encontramos en mis sueños...

the last letting go

"Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight.

Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life. Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around; the hope is to find a way to place our feet where the elemental forces of life will keep us in the manner to which we want to be accustomed and which will keep us from the losses that all other human beings have experienced without exception since the beginning of conscious time. But heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.

…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go."

- David Whyte

excerpt  from CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words

the word made flesh

"Children show scars like medals.  Lovers use them as secrets to reveal.  A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."

- Leonard Cohen

a ti no te amarán como te amaba yo

"Al perderte yo a ti tú y yo hemos perdido:

yo porque tú eras lo que yo más amaba -

y tú porque yo era el que te amaba más.

Pero de nosotros dos tú pierdes más que yo:

porque yo podré amar a otras como te amaba a ti -

pero a ti no te amarán como te amaba yo."

- Ernesto Cardenal

snapshot: a corner of my mother's home...a recent photograph I gave her  (a selfie) flanked between ancient pottery...

seduce the body into other rhythms

"The first layer of consciousness is inertia. It is a level of non-movement: it is a level in which your energy, whether on the dance floor or in your psyche, is simply stuck.

Everybody experiences inertia. It is the groggy, barely conscious state when you first wake up in the morning. Or when you return to work from vacation. Or when you are in momentary insecurity about something or other. It is the state of despairing inaction when you've locked into the same routine day after day. The drugged passivity of TV watching. The stoned immobility of drug-taking, drinking. The moral and intellectual laziness of just getting by.

The only question is whether you choose to live in inertia or pass through it in the flow of your life - day to day, year to year, cycle to cycle. Inertia is seductive. It has characteristics of the ecstasy we're seeking and knew in the womb. It's natural, effortless, totally accommodating. But we're made to move, to become, to grow, to change, to create, and the true paradise of ecstasy lies not in inaction but in action that is so totally absorbing it seems like no work at all. Quickly the false ecstasy of lazing around, indulgence, and passivity takes its toll in the self-destructive effects of imploded energy...

...As a temporary resistance to the demands of life, inertia is simply a place from which to start. As you recognize its grip on you, you can confront it with movement and vitalize your being with the energy of change. You can summon the dancer within, the part of you that instinctively knows how to explore the full range of the body's rhythms. It is natural for the body to move, and the simplest way out of inertia is to start moving it. Stretch, lean, shuffle, swirl, with or without music, alone or with others. The easiest way is just to ease into flowing movements that will gradually seduce the body into the other rhythms. Dance is always available no matter where you are and is a ready catalyst to get your energy moving.

If you live in inertia - "waking sleep," Gurdjieff called it - as your basic energy level, as most of us do, your reality is comprised of a structure of unquestioned beliefs and frozen attitudes that are a bulwark against change. Movement and change are feared as painful and disruptive. The status quo seems to offer a haven of security. Truthfully, you are a wallflower at the dance of life, refusing every offer to move, out of fear of the unknown or of making a fool of yourself; you don't make the effort. But this holding back - hanging on tight to everything, especially your body, which becomes the repository of all your repressed feelings, thoughts, and action - used up all your physical, emotional, and mental energy. And you have nothing to show for this use of energy but the same old patterns and a deteriorating body and spirit. Because you don't dare to breathe life in and let it out, you live on a very restricted energy supply.

At bottom, inertia is the level of being unconscious, the home of the victim, the place where life just happens to you and you're unaware of your responsibility to create your own reality. It's the level of the pregnant woman who obviously chainsmokes, the macho laborer who stupefies himself every night with a six-pack, the high-powered executive who's married to his job and measures everything and everyone, including himself, by company standards, or the actor who has nothing to say without a script.

In inertia we want our life and friends to be stable, predictable, homogenized. It's so much easier to be in control when things around us don't change and we have the security of the known. We stay in an unhappy marriage or job or situation for years and years rather than risk the uncertainty, the adventure, the pain of venturing forth. In fact, all our "adventure" is planned and prepackaged, innocuous and ultimately dissatisfying - we buy the hype of cruises, cars, beer, movies, to sate our frustrated desire for true novelty and authentic experience. 

Often we turn around and watch even our children lock themselves into routines and perspectives that suffocate them, choke their growth and spontaneity, and snuff out the sparks we saw burning in them when they first entered the world. It hurts as we watch them lock into the vicious spiral of victimization, resentment, isolation. Or of flattery, melancholy, and self-importance. We know all the dances all too well. We taught them the steps. We reinforce these patterns rather than acknowledging our children's pain and guiding them to face the challenges that will nurture their growth. Because we are not bold, not warriors, we don't empower our children - to their lifelong detriment. Seeing their weakness, cowardice, and compromising is to watch parts of ourselves die, the parts that are young and fresh and full of promise.

Listen to the voices of inertia: Don't rock the boat. You're making a big mistake. Don't act impulsively. You've got to plan ahead. Be careful. Be prepared. But think of your family. Think of your friends. But if you do that... Don't burn your bridges. You'll regret it. You'll be sorry."

- Gabrielle Roth

so, my dear I invite you to step onto the dance floor with me...it is time to seduce the body into other rhythms...

expanding into truths

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself." 

- Anais Nin 

mixed media on paper 

Destiny of Desire by Karen Zacarías

"Telenovelas are a populace form of entertainment, and what intrigued me was the idea of taking this form of storytelling and marrying it with high art, as theater is thought of being...

Coming to the theater humanizes people...

Culture informs perspective, and the world is a complicated place. Telling the story on stage increases understanding. 

In DESTINY of DESIRE, for example, we are exercising a different cultural aesthetic, a different idea of beauty, a theater style that speaks directly from the Latino perspective. Both the director, Jose Luis Valenzuela, and I specifically understood the focus in DESTINY on the elevation of the telenovela concept. One thing that happens when we don't encourage diversity, is that these amazingly trained actors keep getting relegated to small roles, as background rather than protagonists. There are eleven actors in the DESTINY cast, all Latino, some are trained opera singers, one is a civil engineer by day, and each is playing two characters (their primary character, and the character they portray in the play-within-the-play). Audiences need to see this."

- Karen Zacarías as quoted in a marvelous interview by Ellen Burns www.BroadwayWorld.com

snapshots from tonight's brilliant musical play 

DESTINY OF DESIRE is playing now through October 18, 2015 at Arena Stage's Kreeger Theater.

I grew up watching telenovelas. The women in my famliy would gather after dinner to indulge in the latest drama for an hour or two. It was a ritualistic escape from day to day life and a communion all at once. 

I wish to see DESTINY of DESIRE again...with my mother, my aunts and my mother-in-law...