dharma

"Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring security or confirmation.  Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring any ground to stand on.  In fact, when your mind turns toward the dharma, you fearlessly acknowledge impermanence and change and begin to get the knack of hopelessness.

In Tibetan there's an interesting word: ye tang che.  The ye part means "totally, completely," and the rest of it means "exhausted." Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out.  We might say "totally fed up."  It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope.  This is an important point.  This is the beginning of the beginning.  Without giving up hope -- that there's somewhere better to be, that there's someone better to be -- we will never relax with where we are now or who we are.

To think that we can finally get it all together is unrealistic.  To seek for some lasting security is futile. To undo our very ancient and very stuck habitual patterns of mind requires that we begin to turn around some of our most basic assumptions.  Believing in a solid, separate self, continuing to seek pleasure and avoid pain, thinking that someone "out there" is to blame for our pain -- one has to get totally fed up with these ways of thinking.  One has to give up hope that this way of thinking will bring us satisfaction.  Suffering begins to dissolve when we can question the belief or the hope that there's anywhere to hide."

 - Pema Chodron


I bring it all to my meditation mat: the numbness, the emptiness, the anxiety, the loss, the boredom, the grief, the gratitude, the joy, the laughter, the exhaustion...without judgement.  I sit and breathe and simply honor what is going on at the moment.  I am more than feelings and emotions.  I am more than thoughts.  I am more and yet I am nothing and everything. 

from my journals 

snapshot: detail of a tree, inspiration for a series of paintings 

las madres nicaragüenses

Con lágrimas te sueño •

Con lágrimas te extraño •

Con lágrimas te baño •

Bautizada amada Nicaragua •

Con lágrimas te siento nacer de mi vientre •

Con sangre y orgullo •

Con grito de guerra y fuego del mar •

Nicaragua...Con dolor hoy te pinto •

from my 2004 journals 

no pido mucho

"Look, I don't ask much, just your hand, to hold it...I need that door you gave me for coming into your world, that little chunk of green sugar, of a lucky ring. Can't you just spare me your hand tonight at the end of a year of hoarse-voiced-owls? You can't for technical reasons. So I weave it in the air, warping each finger, the silky peach of the palm and the back, that country of blue trees. That's how I take it and hold it, as if so much of the world depended on it..."

- Julio Cortázar translated by Stephen Kessler

the original version in Spanish always takes my breath away...

"Mira, no pido mucho, solamente tu mano, tenerla...Necesito esa puerta que me dabas para entrar a tu mundo, ese trocito de azúcar verde, de redondo alegre. No me prestas tu mano en esta noche de fin de año de lechuzas roncas?No puedes, por razones técnicas. Entonces la tramo en aire, urdiendo cada dedo, el durazno sedoso de la palma y el dorso, ese país de azules árboles. Así la tomo y la sostengo, como si de ello dependiera muchísimo del mundo..."

- Julio Cortázar 

formas de engañar tu corazón

"Son muchos años que pasaron sin decir que y en verdad te quiero pero encuentro formas de engañar mi corazón.

Son muchos años que pasaron sin robarte un beso solo quiero un beso, y por esa boca no me importa ser ladrón.

No puede ser que no he encontrado todavía las palabras y en esa noche no dije nada.

No puede ser que en un segundo me perdí en tu mirada aunque por dentro yo te gritaba.

Déjame robarte un beso que me llegue hasta el alma, como un vallenato de esos viejos que nos gustaban.

Se que sientes mariposas, yo también sentí sus alas.

Déjame robarte un beso que te enamore y tú no te vayas...

Déjame robarte el corazón.

Déjame escribirte una canción.

Déjame que con un beso nos perdamos los dos.

Déjame robarte el corazón.

Déjame subirle a esta canción.

Para que bailemos juntos como nadie bailó.

Déjame robarte un beso que me llegue hasta el alma.

Como un vallenato de esos viejos que nos gustaban.

Se que sientes mariposas, yo también sentí sus alas.

Déjame robarte un beso que te enamore y tú no te vayas.

Yo sé que a ti te gusta que yo te cante así.

Que tú te pones seria pero te hago reír.

Que se que tu me quieres... Por qué tú eres así.

Y cuando estamos juntos ya no se que decir..."

- Carlos Vives and Sebastian Yatra

interdependence

"The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”

- Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

freedom

"What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for a rose to say, 'I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?'

...the first quality of love: its indiscriminate character...Contemplate in astonishment the sheer goodness of the rose...for there you have an image of what love is all about.

How does one attain this quality of love? Anything you do will only make it forced, cultivated and therefore phony. There is nothing you can do. But there is something you can drop. Observe the marvelous change that comes over you the moment you stop seeing people as good or bad...To see this is to acquire the indiscriminate quality one so admires in a rose...And here is a second quality of love - it's gratuitousness...it gives and asks for nothing in return...

The third quality of love is its unself-consciousness. Love so enjoys the loving that it is blissfully unaware of itself...The way a rose gives out its fragrance simply because there is nothing else it can do, whether there is someone to enjoy its fragrance or not...Love simply is, it has no object...

The final quality of love is its freedom. The moment coercion or control or conflict enters, love dies...Think for a while of an the coersion and control that you submit to on the part of others when you so anxiously live up to their expectations in order to buy their love and approval or because you fear you will  lose them. Each time you submit to this control and this coersion you destroy the capacity to love which is your very nature, for you cannot but do to others what you allow others to do to you. Contemplate, then, all the control and coersion in your life and hopefully this contemplation alone will cause them to drop. The moment they drop, freedom will arise. And freedom is just another word for love." - Anthony De Mello

- from my morning meditations

te escucho respirar

- 2013 mixed media -

"Te conseguí la luz del sol a medianoche
Y el número después del infinito,
E instalé la Osa Mayor en tu diadema
Y tú seguías ahí como si nada;

Endulcé el agua del mar para tu sed,
Te alquilé un cuarto menguante de la luna,
Y como buen perdedor busqué en la cama
Las cosas que el amor no resolvía.

Y cómo duele que estés tan lejos
Durmiendo aqui en la misma cama;
Cómo duele tanta distancia,
Aunque te escucho respirar
Y estás a cientos de kilómetros

Y duele quererte tanto,
Fingir que todo está perfecto
Mientras duele gastar la vida
Tratando de localizar
Lo que hace tiempo se perdió...

Acabé con los jardines por tus flores,
Inventé la alquimia contra la utopía,
Y he llegado a confundir con la ternura
La lástima con que a veces me miras;

Que triste es asumir el sufrimiento,
patético es creer que una mentira
convoque a los duendes del milagro,
que te hagan despertar enamorada.

Por qué nos duele tanta distancia,
Fingir que todo está perfecto
Mientras sientes que te duele
gastar la vida durmiendo aquí en la misma cama...
Cómo duele..."
- Ricardo Arjona

tu y yo

"Yo no se si tu no se si yo

Seguirimos siendo como hoy

No se si despues de amanecer, 

vamos a sentir la misma sed 

Para que pensar y suponer, 

no preguntes cosas que no se... yo no se

No se donde vamos a parar, 

eso ya la piel nos lo dira

Para que jurar y prometer,

algo que no esta en nuestro poder

Yo no se lo que es eterno, 

no me pidas algo que es del tiempo

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,

Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo

Yo no se si soy para ti, si seras para mi

Si lleguemos a amarnos o a odiarnos

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,

Quien va a estar aqui 

De un cafe pasamos al sofa, 

de un boton a todo lo demas

No pusimos reglas ni reloj, 

aqui estamos solos tu y yo

Todo lo que ves es lo que soy, 

no me pidas mas de lo que doy

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,

Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo

Yo no se si soy para ti, si seras para mi

Si lleguemos a amarnos o a odiarnos

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,

Quien va a estar aqui

Esta vida es igual a un libro

Cada pagina es, un dia vivido

No tratemos de correr antes de andar

Esta noches estamos vivos

Solo este momento es realidad

Oh no, no, no se

Yo no se mañana

Esta vida es una ruleta que gira sin parar

Yo no se mañana

Yo no se si tu, yo no se si yo, como sera el final

Yo no se mañana

Puede ser peor, o puede ser mejor

Yo no se mañana

Deja que el corazon decida vida mia lo que sentimos

Mañana... yo no se

Yo no se, yo no se mañana

Ahora lo que vivimos es algo realmente lindo,

Quien puede saber lo que pasara mañana 

no hay nada escrito

Yo no se, yo no se mañana

Estamos solo tu y yo

Y los momentos hay que vivirlos... hay que vivirlos

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,

Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo

Yo no se si soy para ti, si seras para mi

Si lleguemos a amarnos o a odiarnos

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana..."

- Luis Enrique

ahora lo que vivimos es algo realmente lindo...

y los momentos hay que vivirlos...hay que vivirlos...

todo que ves es lo que soy, no te pido mas de lo que das...

deja que el corazon decida vida mia lo que sentimos...

tigers and strawberries

- mixed media on paper from my journals -

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 
― Pema Chödrön

tigers and strawberries my dear...

mixed media on paper

don't I please you anymore

"I'm wide open

But don't I please you anymore?

You're slipping away from me

You're drifting away from me...

Slow me down

It's getting away from me...

I'm wide open

But I couldn't see it anymore

You're drifting away from me

You're slipping away from me...

One day just gonna see me

Look back and forth from the ceiling

Some day love's gonna hurt me

Turn back and soon I'll believe it..."

- The Chemical Brothers featuring Beck

snapshot - ideas on my desk

assumptions, my dear

 "I may not work outside the home, but I sure as heck work in it.

Be it homeschooling, housework, raising my kids, or working from home, I have stuff to do. I don’t sit around all day, eating cheesecake and napping.

Don’t assume that just because someone doesn’t leave the house for work, they’re just waiting for someone else to come along and give them something to do with their time."

- Melissa Charles

my children come first...motherhood is a sacred dance I have chosen and been blessed with...

until I've had enough

"I can hold my breath.

I can bite my tongue.

I can stay awake for days,

if that's what you want,

be your number one.

I can fake a smile.

I can force a laugh.

I can dance and play the part,

if that's what you ask,

give you all that I am.

I can do it...

but I'm only human.

And I bleed when I fall down.

I'm only human,

and I crash and I break down.

Your words in my head,

knives in my heart.

You build me up,

then I fall apart,

'cause I'm only human.

I can turn it on,

be a good machine.

I can hold the weight of worlds,

if that's what you need,

be your everything.

I can do it...

I'll get through it,

but I'm only human...

just a little human.

I can take so much,

until I've had enough..."

- C. Perri

I cannot fake a smile, much less a laugh and I am a protective lioness with those I love.

another heart whispers back

"Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet." - Plato

mixed media on canvas, circa 2001, in a private collection 

times forever frozen still

"...loving can hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that I know...it is the only thing that makes us feel alive. 

We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves, where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken, and times are forever frozen still.

So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans, holding me closer until our eyes meet, you won't ever be alone - wait for me to come home.

Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul and is the only thing that I know. I swear it will get easier. Remember that with every piece of you, and it's the only thing we take with us when we die.

...I will remember how you kissed me...hearing you whisper..."

- Ed Sheeran

snapshot - ideas, pearls, feathers and crystals on my desk 

no other way than this

"No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:

te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores, y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:

así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño."

- Pablo Neruda

***

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; 

so I love you because I know no other way than this:  

where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

- Pablo Neruda translated by Stephen Tapscott

Nicaragua

"Yo camino hoy

con el dolor del parto en cada paso

con el vientre rompiéndose

y los pedazos de madre

volando sobre espacios vacíos

yo camino gimiendo

apretando en mis manos los barrotes

apretando los dientes

mordiéndome la lengua

Voy vestida de barro

voy cubierta de piedras y de tiempo

tengo cara de asombros y cabellos de fuego

llevo el dolor del parto en cada paso

siento al hijo que brota de la sangre

siento la piel colgando

tengo las venas en un solo nudo

hay un hijo derramado en la noche."

- Rosario Murillo 

new moon blessings

what does this new dark moon whisper...

may we remain still enough and allow ourselves to feel and heal...

mixed media on paper from my journals